Is This How It's Supposed To Be?
by Carlos'sCupcake
Summary: *SEQUEL TO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS* Esme and James have a baby now, after getting back in touch with eachother a few months later. How will things work out for them, or WILL things work out for the couple?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Okay so with some prodding from ****DeniseDEMD****, I decided to write a sequel for this, I hope you all enjoy it! And I know this chapter sucks, but I'm pretty tired so yeah lol.**

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

Hearing a key in the lock jars me awake, well if you can call it that. I had just begun to finally fall asleep after tossing and turning for the past ten or fifteen minutes after settling Holly back into her bassinett next to the couch. I sit up as quickly as I can and place a finger up to lip, motioning for James to be quiet. He nods and kicks his shoes off at the door before tip-toeing up the stairs to take a shower like he does everyday when he gets off of work. He had managed to get one week off of work when I had Holly, and two days after she was born, we came home. We got settled in nicely and James was a big help for the next four days until he had to go back to work. Now it's just me up off and on all hours of the night feeding our precious bundle of joy, changing her diapers, and rocking her back to sleep. The couch has more or less become my bed because it's downstairs away from the bedroom so we don't wake James up at night while he's sleeping, and it's easier to walk a few feet rather than down a flight of steps while half asleep.

I yawn and force myself to get up off the furniture and head to the kitchen to look for something to cook for dinner. I cringe when I enter the room, it looks like a bomb has gone off in our kitchen. Dishes are piled up on both sides of the sink, the garbage can is overflowing, the floor looks like it hasn't been swept or mopped in weeks (because it hasn't), and piles of mail and papers are cluttering up the table, cans of baby formula adorn the counters. I did my best to breast-feed, but Holly wouldn't latch on but she took the bottle immediately. It was a slap in the face, but what can ya do?

Doing my best to ignore the disarray, I open the refrigerator and sigh. It's almost completely empty but I have had no time or energy to make it to the grocery store. No one ever told me that being a mom was going to be so challenging. I haven't slept for more than two hours at a time, I only get to shower every other day now, I get spit up and pooped on at least two times a day, and yeah, my housework and everything else is just piling up. Holly goes through clothes like nobody's business so it's a battle even keeping up with her laundry, let alone the heaping hampers of clothes in the bathroom and James' and my bedroom. My lovely fiance hasn't complained once, and I am grateful for that.

I feel like a failure as I close the refrigerator door and look through the pantry. There's not much food here either, but it's not as bare as the refrigerator. I find a can of tomato soup and recall seeing at least half a loaf of bread and pray that there is sliced cheese in the drawer of the fridge. Much to my delight, there is a whole package of american cheese, and with some sort of excitement that I can feed my man a halfway decent dinner without having to go to the supermarket or stand in front of the stove for hours, I take it out along with the bread and tub of butter, and proceed to make James two grilled cheese sandwiches while heating up the can of tomato soup on the stove next to the pan I'm already using. When I'm flipping the first sandwich, my hand brushes too close too the pan and I burn the top of it. With a mumbled curse I move on to stir the soup, when the phone rings and in my rush to answer it before it wakes Holly up, I knock the sauce pan off the top of the stove and red liquid makes a puddle on the floor. I make it to the phone just for the person on the other line to have the wrong number, and then I turn around and just fall to the floor, letting the hot tears work their way out of my eyes. I am beyond frustrated, it seems like everything wants to go wrong, and I try to keep myself together and a smile on my face for James, but sometimes I think this parenting thing may be too much for me.

I tell myself that I have two minutes to cry it out and then I'll wash my face and James would be none the wiser, but I can't seem to get the tears to stop. They just keep coming out like a dam that just bursted and I sit on the floor, drawing my knees up to my chest. I'm so lost in myself that I don't hear James enter the kitchen. "Esme, what's wrong?", he asks softly and I feel him kneel down beside me.

I shake my head and wipe my eyes before refusing to look at him and getting up to wash my hands. "I umm, I got overwhelmed", I turn around and force a fake smile to James. "Too much going on at one time, but I'm okay. I cried all the yuckies out and I'm much better", I lie. I grab like half the roll of paper towels and wad it up, then start cleaning up the floor.

I can feel James's eyes blazing into my backside but I ignore him and keep on babbling. "I guess you're out of luck when it comes to the soup, but you have two perfectly good sandwiches", I tell him. I drop the soaked paper towels into the trash and wash my hands again before setting the sandwiches on a plate and taking it to the table for James. "Here ya go".

"What about you?", James asks as he sits down. "Aren't you gonna eat?"

"I'm not hungry", I tell him truthfully and saunter over to the sink to load the dishwasher.

James raises an eyebrow at me. "You sure?"

"Yeah. I ate a banana and some crackers a bit ago", I lie and turn back towards the sink. The truth is, I haven't eaten since yesterday, or much at all lately unless James makes me. I just seem to have no appetite and sleep is more appealing to me right now than food. That's another thing, I'm so exhausted that I can barely even fall asleep anymore. I take care of Holly and do what I can around the house, there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done.

"Well thanks", James says with a mouthful.

"You're welcome", I respond and when the last of the dishes are rinsed, I fill it with dishwashing liquid and close it up, push the buttons and turn the knob. I walk over to James and kiss his forehead. "I just got her to sleep about half an hour ago, so I think she'll sleep at least long enough for me to take a shower."

James rubs my back. "Go ahead, babe. Take your time and relax, if she wakes up I can handle her."

I don't know why, but I feel guilty when James does anything for our baby. I know he's her dad but he's out there working hard and risking his life for us, so I want him to be able to relax as much as he can at home. I'm not working; I'm a stay at home mom and it's my job to take care of Holly. I make my way up the stairs and turn the water on, then step in front of the mirror. I look beyond horrible, dark bags are residing underneath of my eyes and my face is pale. My hair is a hot mess, it looks like I haven't brushed it today, and I'm so tired that I can't think straight to know if I actually did or not. Poor James, he's really good at not freaking out over me looking like a haggard vampire, or gagging in my presence.

With a sigh, I take my clothes off and step into the hot water running in the shower. It rains down on me, relaxing my achy muscles, and I selfishly spend a few minutes just standing there before I start washing my hair and body.

I have to admit that I feel a bit better when I'm finished, and I get dressed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, the uniform for a new mom, and comb my hair. When I get back downstairs, I'm surprised to see my mom sitting on the couch talking to James, who is holding Holly. "Esme", my mom looks really happy to see me as she gets up and hugs me.

"Hi mom", I greet her back, then watch as she goes and sits back down. I take a seat on the recliner. "What's up?", I ask.

"Nothing really. I thought I'd just stop by after work and see how you're doing. It's been a few days since I've seen my grand-daughter and I miss her already". My mom leans over and touches Holly's nose with a bright smile, then turns back to me. "How are you doing?"

I fight the urge to blurt out that I have no idea what in the hell I'm doing anymore, but I just shrug and say, "I'm okay."

The look on mom's face shows that she doesn't believe me, but she doesn't call me out on it. "You look tired honey, and like you've lost some weight." Her expression changes to one of concern.

My anger rises instantly and I can't control myself . "Mom, I just had a baby two weeks ago. Of course I'm tired because I barely sleep and I've lost weight because I gave birth!"

Both James and my mom look stunned, and I offer an apology as I slump back into the chair. "Sorry mom, I'm just feeling overwhelmed", I confess and close my eyes. The doctor said it's normal to get the 'baby blues', which is kinda like depression that comes from the change in hormones, where you cry a lot over everything, feel restless, and have a hard time sleeping, but this feels more like hell. How am I supposed to tell these two people that care about me that I can't handle this, that I'm a failure as a mom and a fiance. Anyone who steps foot inside my house can see that right now.

"Esme sweetie", mom leans forward and places her hands in her lap. "It's like that for every new mom. Your life has changed a lot, and I understand that. But you're doing a marvelous job." James smiles and nods, making me feel even worse about myself. If they only knew.

I don't say anything, because if I do it won't be nice. "Well look", my mom starts again. "I don't have to work tomorrow, so I can take care of Holly for you tonight if you'd like".

"No mom, I couldn't ask you to do that."

"Nonsense", mom waves her hand. "You're not asking, I'm offering. Just think about it, a whole night of sleep would make you feel so much better." Then she adds, "I wouldn't mind the bonding time with my first grandchild."

James sits up and puts in his own two cents. "I think that sounds like a good idea. You really could use a break, babe."

"I don't know", I say honestly. I mean it does sound very enticing, but I'm her mom, shouldn't I be the one taking care of her?

"You also need a break, and you know she'll be in good hands with your mom", James comes around to me and sits on the arm of the chair. "I think you should let her."

I look up at James, seeing the approval in his eyes. He nods as if he can read my mind and I say it quickly before I can take it back. "Okay mom, she's yours for the night."

Once James and I get all of her stuff packed up and our daughter fastened in her car seat, I kiss my baby girl on the cheek and cry and watch on the front step as my own mom drives away, until her car disappears completely from my vision.

"She'll be fine", James wraps an arm around my shoulder and guides me back into the house. He sits me down on the couch and dries my tears, then fetches me a bottle of water. "It's gonna be okay, and babe you are doing an amazing job being a mom. You deserve a break."

I look up at James, wondering if he knows what he's talking about. "Thanks", I tell him, not meaning it at all, and curl up into his chest after he kisses me. I'm exhausted and fall asleep in his arms, going back to the one being held and soothed to sleep, instead of the one rocking my daughter to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N First off, a big thank you to all of you who are kind enough to leave a review for my story, you are awesome. We all know the drill, so let's get down to business SHOUT OUTS ****SuperSillyStories****- I agree, I hope they can get through this without killing eachother as well, and I definitely feel for Esme :) ****dudeamanda****- Yay, well I'm glad that you enjoyed the other story, and this chapter, I do my best. Awesome that you're out of school for a bit, relax and enjoy yourself, it's the holidays :) ****rwjj28****- Yay, I'm glad you're excited for this :) ****KtotheH****- UI feel the same way, and yes newborns are stressful. I guess we'll have to let the story play out and see what happens huh? :) ****paumichyy****- Aww I'm glad you liked the other story and missed the characters. I always get attached to them myself lol :) ****DeniseDEMD****- Haha well you suggested and I ran with it lol. I wasn't expecting to get to write much this week, if any at all but I've been able to squeeze some stuff in, so yeah. Glad you like :) ****Logan'sHoneyPie****- Yes, Esme definitely has a hard job to do right now...and maybe you are on to something ;) ****KendallsCoverGirl804****- I'm glad you loved it :)**

*****A special shout out to two lovely authors, I have started reading their stuff and yeah, between these two ladies and SuperSillyStories, I have no idea what I'm doing writing because they make my stuff seem like elementary school work. But you really need to check out ****rwjj28**** 's stuff, it's amazing. While you're at it, give ****GlambertLovesBTR**** a try, it's promising so far and yeah, just do it lol. **

"Esme, do you know where my favorite white dress shirt is?", James stalks into the bedroom and asks as I'm trying to add waves to my pin straight hair. It's my birthday and we're getting ready to go out for dinner with my parents, James's sister Jenna, her husband Carlos, and their two kids.

I wrack my over-fried brain as I set the hot iron back on the counter and try to remember when might have been the last time I saw it. I grab a new section of hair to curl and try to think of when he last wore it. "Didn't you wear it when you went to that banquet a few days before I had Holly?", I wrap the new chunk of hair around the big barreled iron and hold it in place.

"Yeah that was it", James responds and snaps his fingers with a smile.

"Well", I avoid looking at his face. "I don't think it's been washed since then." My weekly tradition of washing our white clothes has gone out the window since I've given birth and it's just now that I realize I haven't washed them since before I had Holly. Actually a lot has changed since I've had Holly and I sure won't be earning any housekeeping awards of the year.

"Oh", he says and sighs. I don't have to see his face to know that his expression is grim, it's evident in his voice.

Tears immediately fill my eyes and guilt floods my body. "I'm sorry", I try to keep my voice from breaking, but I'm hit with a wave of something that I'm not quite sure how to describe, but it's something I'm getting accustomed to. I grab the brush from the counter and throw it at the wall and start freaking out. "I'm sorry I'm such a horrible person. I'm useless and can't get stuff done. I don't know what's going on with me anymore, James", I confess as I sprint into the bedroom and fling myself onto my stomach upon the bed. I can't get the tears to stop falling and I've been really great at keeping my spazz sessions hidden from James, but tonight I just can't, it's too overwhelming.

"Babe", James is beside me in an instant, the warmth from his hand rubbing soothing circles on my back as his breath tickles my ear. I jerk away, though. I just can't bear his touch anymore, it just makes me cringe for some reason. "It's okay", he whispers. James helps to comfort me until my tears dwindle down and I catch my breath again. "I'm not mad, I have other shirts I can wear".

I sit up and keep my eyes down to my legs. "I don't know what's going on. I can't seem to even get simple tasks done. You should get rid of me and find somebody else better", I sob. I'm not trying to give him a guilt trip, I truly don't understand what's wrong with me. I feel withdrawn and have no interest in doing anything. I prefer my own company, not wanting to be bothered and I don't like talking to anyone anymore. I don't know how to explain it but it's like I've lost myself. I go through the everyday motions of life, but I'm not really living.

James takes my face in his hands and forces my eyes to meet his. "First of all, I love you and I would walk to the ends of the earth and not be able to find someone better than you. Esme, I don't know what's going on either, but today is your birthday and we have plans to go out and celebrate. Stop worrying about everything else and finish getting yourself ready. We'll worry about all this stuff another time, okay?"

I nod, feeling extremely inferior to my super-hero fiance. He's always on top of things and...I'm falling apart. I move to the edge of the bed and take several deep breaths to compose myself. I'm about to stand up and head back to the bathroom when James kneels down in front of me and wipes my tear stained cheeks with a wet washcloth, then places a kiss on my forehead. "Go get dressed", he coaxes me with an understanding smile and I get up, feeling guilty, and go back into the bathroom to finish with my hair and apply a light application of make-up to make myself look presentable. I don't feel like celebrating, I'd much rather stay home and sleep or bum out on the couch but I don't want to disappoint anyone.

When that's finished I take my purple dress from the closet and put it on, noticing how it hangs from my body. I seem to have lost quite a bit of weight, and not just what I gained during the pregnancy. I quickly snag a black shawl from the closet and drape it over my shoulders so my weight loss is less noticable, then pack up the diaper bag while my daughter sleeps heavily in her bassinett downstairs.

...

"Happy Birthday Esme", my dad kisses my cheeks when we enter the restaurant.

"Thanks", I say and hug him back. I'm greeted by everyone and wished a Happy Birthday multiple times before we're all lead to two tables in the back room of my favorite restaurant. I keep reminding myself already that it will all be over in a few short hours and I can go back home to where I so long to be.

James seats me and then takes a now one month old, fussy Holly out of her car seat and bounces her on his lap. She's passed around for everyone to hold and have a turn coddling as several gifts are handed to me while we wait for the waitress to come. My parents give me a diamond bracelet, and Jenna and Carlos give me a gift card for my favorite clothing store in the mall.

"I see that you have already lost all of your baby weight. That will definitely come in handy", Jenna comments with a wink.

"I guess", I shrug. I notice that her face falls and I feel bad. Like I keep saying, I don't feel like myself, actually I don't really feel any emotions except for despair, sadness, and overwhelmed. I turn my lips up into a fake smile and lean across the table to give her a hug. I figure I can pretend to be an actress and put on a show while we're here so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. James's gift to me is last, it's a gift certificate for a spa day at Luxuries, complete with a facial, an hour massage, and a pedicure.

"Thank you, James", I place a chaste kiss to his lips to appease him and flop back onto my seat. I order a pepsi for it's caffeinated purposes, and eggplant parmigiana, my favorite meal. Everyone falls into conversation and I stay quiet unless I'm spoken to, and then I will myself to politely respond.

Once the food comes I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that conversation will die down some and I can keep to myself. After forcing myself to take a few bites of my salad and two bites of the eggplant, I push my food around the plate to make it look like I ate more than I actually did, then shove the plate away in disgust. This doesn't go unnoticed by James.

"You okay?", he mouths to me.

I nod my head and shoot him a grin, then just play with my hands in my lap while everyone else continues to eat. I get lost in my thoughts and am jarred back to the present when I hear my mom calling my name. "Yes?", I ask and blink to clear my mind.

"I was just asking if maybe you wanted to go to the mall this weekend and I can buy Holly some new clothes and stuff?"

"I don't know mom", I answer and look around to see my daughter sleeping peacefully in her car seat. "She already has a lot of stuff and I don't know if I feel up to going shopping. I'm still pretty beat most of the time." This isn't a lie, I also have noticed my serious lack of energy but I always chalk it up as not getting enough sleep.

"Okay, well maybe you'll change your mind", she goes on.

"Maybe", I reply and hand my plate to the waitress who is now clearing the table. I put my elbow on the table and slump over so that my head rests in my hands, not giving a crap how rude it might be, I am so ready to go back home. I feel a surge of excitement as I notice the waitress walking back to our table, but when I see the cake in her hands with two candles making up the number 23, I fight the urge to roll my eyes and grit my teeth together in aggravation.

I do my absolute best to sit there with a smile painted on my face as my loved ones sing to me and I blow out the candles, not bothering with making a wish, I simply just don't care. I beg off to use the ladies room, letting someone else cut the cake. I don't really have to go, but I need to get away NOW. I rest against the counter and take a few minutes to myself, enjoying the silence before heading back out to get the rest of this celebration overwith.

When I return, Holly is now awake in her car seat and kicking her arms and legs around restlessly. I unstrap her and take her out, holding her to me when I'm hit with a realization. As I look down at my baby girl, the one I carried for nine months and gave birth to; I don't feel anything. What happened to that feeling of happiness and joy, the way my heart would swell when I look at the precious child James and I created together? I stand up and blink back tears, knowing that if I don't get out of here all kinds of questions that I don't feel like answering will be flying my way.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Wow, 13 reviews for the last chapter, you guys are incredible! Thank you for taking a few moments out of your schedule to review my story, it means a lot and your feedback is greatly appreciated. SHOUT OUTS ****dudeamanda****- Yeah, she's definitely got the baby blues, so sad :) ****rwjj28****- It is very sad, and I wish I could tell you otherwise, but it is what you suspect. I'm glad you think it will be a good story though :) ****SuperSillyStories****- Yes, poor Esme...hehe well I'm sure Carlos finished her food right there at the table, plus the unfinished portion of the cake! I don't say anything I don't mean so no need to thank me :) ****paumichyy****- Yes, that was incredibly sad, I can't imagine! :) ****KtotheH****- yes, I think James may be her only hope, guess we have to wait and see what happens :) ****heartofgoldd****- the problem doesn't lie with Holly, it's with her mom :) ****michelle-schmaslow****- I totally agree with everything you said, it is heartbreaking and I couldn't imagine going through it myself...thanks for reviewing :) ****Logan's Honey Pie****- yes this is such a shocking story and James is adorable...as for the postpartum depression, I am no expert on that so I have no idea about what you asked :) ****GlambertLovesBTR****- It was a very sad chapter indeed, and yes James is so sweet. As for the shout out, you deserve and I'm only saying how I feel :) ****FangedCutie****- hey girlie all is well on my side of the world, how about you guys? I agree Esme needs help...and your James is super amazing, I know how you feel because I have suffered from depression a time or two myself and a good man can really remedy that. I'm glad you found such a good guy, you deserve it! :) ****DeniseDEMD****- Oh yes, welcome postpartum depression...it is very sad and terrible :) ****briannamaslover****- I'm worried about her as well :) ****btrfanfiction1516****- aww well thank you, I'm glad you like this so much :) **

I don't know how long I've tossed and turned after finally getting Holly back to sleep for the third time. When we left the restaurant and got home, we watched a bit of t.v. and went to bed. James didn't question me about anything, or try to talk about the situation. I guess he could tell I was still in a funk from before we went to dinner, and just left me to myself.

The shrill ringing of the phone cuts off my relentless thoughts of being a failure as a person. Before I make it to the kitchen, I hear James answer it from upstairs, and go back to sit on the couch. I wait up, wondering what's going on when a few minutes later James come down the stairs, dressed in jeans and a shirt and quickly pulls on his boots. This isn't so uncommon considering that he's a firefighter and is on call most nights. "I gotta go, there's a bad fire down on Loockerman street", James says as he thrusts his arms into the sleeves of his coat.

"Ok, be careful. I love you", I say out of habit. James gives me a chaste kiss and rushes out the door, telling me that he loves me, too. I wonder if he even does, and I wonder if I really do love him...anymore. I don't know, I just can't seem to feel anything but numb inside and it's building up and I'm tired of feeling like this. I feel like I'm stuck ina deep, dark hole and can't seem to find my way out of it. The gears in my head are constantly turning, and my brain won't shut off long enough for me to relax. To be able to fall and asleep and get relief from this would be amazing. It's as though I'm in hell, and I've lost hope for anything.

Another couple of hours pass by and I get up and tip-toe to the kitchen to get a glass of water, to soothe my parched throat, then sit at the bay window at the front of the living room. The darkness that is settled over the world mirrors how I've been living and a very important question pops into my head. Why am I here? James could do so much better than me. It wouldn't be hard for him to find another woman who could be the perfect housewife that I'm not; someone to love him and be there for him, to be all that he needs and more. As for Holly, I gave birth to her and I remember the joy and excitement I experienced, but that is now just a distant memory, I don't _feel_ anymore. She needs someone who is going to kiss her and hug her, and love her and want to do things with her. It's not that I think that I don't love her, I don't know if I do or not. I just do it because it's what I'm supposed to do, what is expected of me. Yeah, my mom and dad might be upset if I wasn't here anymore, but life will go on without me. I can be replaced and surely no one's life would be very affected. I have my answer to the question; I have no purpose here.

Suddenly an idea comes out of nowhere and before I know it hot tears are making their way down my cheeks. I just let them fall, down my cheeks and drop to my shirt. Can I really do this? I know that in the downstairs bathroom in the medicine cabinet there is a bottle of advil, tylenol, and typical painkillers. There's also the prescription bottle of muscle relaxers that I knocked over last week that James had from when he injured his back a few months ago. He had stopped taking them, not wanting to get addicted, but I remember they would knock him out. I can take the remaining ones, there are at least fifteen I believe, and die in my sleep. I can finally get the peace I so desperately crave and end the misery I've been living in.

Hearing Holly stirring in the bassinett, I get up and go check on her, expecting her to wake up. Instead though, she's wrapped snuggly in her blanket with her eyes closed. I bend down to place a kiss to her forehead, letting my lips linger longer than usual and take a minute to watch her sleep...my baby girl. Tears are still pouring from my eyes, more so now, and I hurry to the bathroom before I lose my nerve. I open the cabinet and scan different bottles until my eyes find what I'm looking for, Flexeril, the label reads. I pick it up and shake it, making sure there is still a good amount in there and sigh in relief when multiple pills clink against the plastic container. I turn the light off and creep back into the kitchen, where I'm in the middle of pouring myself another glass of water when the door opens and James walks in. No doubt noticing the kitchen light on, he finds me standing at the sink, the prescription bottle next to my glass. "Is everything okay?", he asks as he looks me over with a worried expression.

"Yeah, umm", I wipe my face really quickly before he can realize that I've been crying. "I've just been having a hard time sleeping", I respond. When I turn around James is a foot away from me.

"What's that?", he points to the pill bottle.

"I was gonna take one to help me sleep", I lie. "I remember they would knock you out".

"Esme", James steps closer and looks at my face. I'm ashamed, I can't even raise my eyes to his. "Don't bother with those, they'll keep you asleep way too long and Holly will need you when I go to work. Besides, they were prescribed for me, and are no good for you. Maybe you're having a hard time sleeping because you've been on the couch." I watch in dismay as James takes the bottle and slips it into his jeans pocket.

"I don't know", I shrug and take a sip of the water, not happy that my moment has been interrupted.

James runs the back of his knuckles down my cheek. "Come on, you guys try sleeping upstairs tonight."

I raise the glass to my mouth again, trying to figure out an excuse to stay downstairs and carry out my plan. I take a long drink, and turn around, but by the time I make it back to the living room, James is disappearing up the stairs carrying the bassinett. At a total loss, I grab my pillow from the couch and follow him up.

James has set the bassinett down on my side of the bed and is stripping back down to his boxers when I walk in. I sit on the edge of the bed, feeling like a stranger in my own bedroom, and lay down all the way on the end of the bed with my back to my fiance.

Moments later the light is flipped off and I feel James climb onto the bed beside me. He scoots all the until he's behind me and drapes an arm over my waist, but I tense up and cringe, not wanting to be touched. He senses this and moves back and lets out a sigh as he flops over on his back. "Babe, I don't know what's going on but I love you and I will be right here to help you with whatever is going on. We'll make it through this together", he whispers softly, and I just nod, knowing he probably can't even see me, hating myself even more for not caring.

...

I just got done giving Holly a bath, fed her, and laid her down on the couch when the doorbell rings. I run to answer it, surprised to see Jenna standing there. "Hi", I greet her wishing I hadn't answered the door.

"Hey, how are ya?", she pushes her way in, completely oblivious to my reluctance of wanting to see her or anyone else for that matter.

"Okay I guess", I answer.

"Nice. I brought some donuts", she makes her way into the kitchen and sets the box down at the breakfast nook. "Got any coffee?" Her cheerfulness is striking my last nerve and irritation creeps it's way in as I watch her pull out a chair and sit down.

Trying to play the proper hostess, I get down an extra coffee mug and fill it with some coffee that's still in the pot that I made less than an hour ago, and carry it over to her. I get cream, milk, and sugar out and set it on the table along with a spoon and seat myself across from her. "So...", I say, trying to be hospitable. "Where are the kids?"

"Oh, Carlos had the day off so I came by myself. Thought we could have some nice girl time", James's sister smiles.

"How nice", I remark and add some sugar to my second cup of coffee.

"Yeah. Look Esme", she reaches her arm across the table and pats my hand. "I don't wanna put my nose where it belongs, but you were acting kind of strang last night. Is everything okay?"

"Umm", I tuck my unkempt hair behind my ears. "I'm still just trying to get used to this motherhood thing", I lie.

"Are you sure that's all? You're really not acting like your usual self. Even your mom said something when you had ran to the bathroom."

I count to ten in my head before I erupt like a volcano. "It's all new to me, that's all."

Jenna's eyes are boring into my face and I know she's not buying my story, and the expression on her face tells me she's not ready to let the subject go just yet. "James is really worried about you. He told me some stuff and asked me to talk to you. I'm not a doctor or anything Es, but I think you might have postpartum depression."

I don't know what comes over me, but a surge of anger flows through me and I stand up abruptly, making the chair I was just sitting on fall backwards to the floor. My voice starts out normal but grows louder with every word, until I'm full on shouting. "You know what, Jenna? You're right. First of all you're not a doctor and I am no concern of yours. Your niece is being taken care of just fine. You saw her last night, and if you don't believe me then you can take a look at her. She's upstairs sleeping in her crib."

Shock is painted on Jenna's face and she stands up as well, her mouth opening and closing, then opening again. "Esme", she puts her hands out in front of her. "I didn't mean anything by-"

"You're damn right Jenna", I stalk to the front door and fling it open, not lowering my voice. "I'm not an unfit mother and I'd appreciate it if you'd leave...NOW".

My fiance's sister complies and doesn't bother putting her coat on before scurrying out the door. I slam the door closed behind her and stalk to the phone, dialing the familiar number and tapping my foot on the carpet while it rings.

"Hello?", James answers his cell.

"I fucking hate you!", I scream into the receiver.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Wow so I just have to say that all of this feedback is awesome, I do love to hear your opinions on the story. SHOUT OUTS ****SuperSillyStories****- Yeah that was a pretty eventful chapter ****Logan's Honey Pie****- haha yeah that was some serious stuff going down in the previous chapter ****KtotheH****- Yes postpartum depression is some crazy stuff! ****rrwj28****- wow, what can I say here that YOU love my story? Feels awesome :) I know though, hopefully everything can come together before something tragic happens! ****jamsaddler****- Well thank you so much, your compliments are greatly appreciated. One part of the reason why these emotions are so easy for me to describe is because I have suffered from depression myself, not the postpartum kind though, but yeah it's pretty scary! ****KendallsCoverGirl804****- Yay, thank you! I'm glad you liked it! ****dudeamanda****- yes, what a crazy ending right? I hope this is good enough for you! ****DeniseDEMD****- I know right? Depression (any kind) is serious and crazy and just a sad state for an individual. **

*****Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone. No matter how you choose to celebrate, please be safe! **

(Continued from the previous chapter)

"What's going on?", James's voice sounds concerned coming from the other end of the phone.

"Your sister was just here, that's what's wrong. Obviously you've been talking about me to people James and I don't like it! It's nobody's business!", I shout.

"Esme, wait I just-"

"No, James", I cut him off. "I'm done with you and I'm not gonna talk about it!" I jab the end button harshly with my finger, then slam the cordless phone back into it's cradle. It feels like there's a fire in my chest, I'm just so pissed off and I don't know what to do.

I go to the sink and get a glass of water, taking my time to drink it down to calm myself and I feel a little bit better. If I wanted anybody to know how I've been feeling, I would've told them myself, and to know that I've been gossiped about whether it's family or not is humiliating, I just don't like it.

I decide to run upstairs and check on Holly, hopefully my yelling didn't wake her up. When I get up to the nursery, she's sleeping soundly in her crib, and relief washes through me. I just need a few minutes to myself right now and I go into the bedroom and throw myself down on the bed, where I run my hands down my face and let my thoughts run wild. Only a few minutes go by when I hear the doorbell ring. I grit my teeth together and slowly make my way back downstairs and to the front door. I look out the peephole and see my mom standing there. "Great", I mutter to myself. Another person I really would rather not talk to right now. I fling the door open, and not able to control myself, I blurt out, "What James sent you here to talk to me too? Well I'm just fine mom and so is Holly, so don't worry."

A confused expression paints my mom's face and she tips her head to the side as one eyebrow raises. "No, I just got out of work early because there's not much to do at the office and I thought I'd stop by and take Holly home with me for a while and give you a little break." My mom doesn't look like she's lying and I give a little sigh and step back, motioning for her to come inside. "What's going on?", she asks as soon as her feet hit the carpet.

I sulk over to the couch and sink down into the soft cushions, putting my head in my hands. "Nothing Mom, James and I had an argument over the phone a little while ago. I thought he might've called you". Okay so it wasn't exactly an argument but she doesn't need to know that.

My mother who is now sitting next to me on the couch puts her hand on my knee. "Is everything okay, Esme?", she asks.

"It'll work itself out", I say to get her off my back and wave my hand through the air. Now that she's offered to take Holly, a new plan has formulated itself in my head. "Anyway", I make it clear that it's not up for discussion, "you really wanted to take Holly for the day?"

"Yeah", mom says as she pushes my hair off of my face. "You really look like you could use a break and I have nothing else to do."

The smile that curves my lips up actually comes on it's own free will. "Okay I think that's a good idea", I tell her. Mom looks the tiniest bit surprised as if I would fight her on it, albeit pleased. "I'll go ahead and start packing the stuff you'll need since she's asleep right now".

"Okay", she smiles and I stand up and grab onto the arm of the couch as a huge wave of dizziness washes over me.

"Are you okay?", mom stands up next to me.

"Yeah, I only had like two hours of sleep", I steady myself. "As soon as you're gone I'll take a nap and probably sleep for the rest of the day, though."

"Alright honey", she takes hold of my elbow and starts walking beside me. "I'll help you up the stairs, we don't want you to fall."

...

Half an hour later I stand with my mom at the door. I packed plenty of diapers, baby wipes, bottles, formula, bottled water, burp cloths, and extra clothes as well as a few blankets for my daughter, which mom took out to her car just a few minutes ago. Now she's standing with the car seat next to her, after bending down to give my little angel a kiss and to whisper that "Mommy will always love her". I bite my lip as I right myself and genuinely grin at my mom. I pull her in for a hug and peck her cheek, then make sure to tell her that I love her.

For the second time today she looks stunned, but something relaxes in her eyes and she lifts the car seat by the handle. "Rest up sweetheart", she calls as I open up the door.

"I will. Thanks, mom", I respond and close the door. A surge of peacefulness that I haven't felt in a very long time flows through my veins, making me skip to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. I ignore the chair still laying on the floor from a while ago when Jenna was here, and hum to myself as I merrily make my way through the kitchen. I'm just about to enter into the living room when I collide with something and fall down from the force. Sitting on my rear-end on the floor, my eyes meet my fiance's face. "What are you doing here?", I ask, caught off-guard.

James studies my face intensely for a few seconds. "I came to check on you, to see if you and Holly are okay. But since I went in last night, Sarge says I can take the rest of the day off."

"Everything's fine", I smile and get up off the floor. "Maybe you could go back to work or something, or maybe grocery shopping, or hey even the gym." He hasn't been out much since I've had the baby and I really would like for him to leave. "I was just heading upstairs to take a nap." With the bottle of water still in my hand, I press past him only to be caught by his hand on my wrist.

"We need to talk", his voice is stern.

I try to yank free, to no avail. "Let me go", I snap. Obviously shocked, James lets me go but crosses his arms, remaining in my way. "I'm fine", I wave my arm around and take a few steps back. "My mom just left with Holly for the rest of the day."

His hazel eyes don't leave mine. "We need to talk", he repeats himself, even more commanding, and moves closer to me.

Immediately all of my hatred for James returns full force and my mood shifts. This can't be happening. "There's nothing to talk about", my voice raises and I walk backwards until my back hits the table. "I have the baby blues, it's normal. I'm not some sick fuck who would drown their baby or do something drastic!" The look in his eyes is accusatory and I feel sick to my stomach. "I can't even believe you would think that! She's with my mom, call her if you don't believe me".

"Esme, something's just not right with you. Babe, talk to me, please", James tries to plead.

Hot tears escape from my eyes. "I-I don't love you anymore, James. Maybe I never did, I just don't know. We got together and not long after that I got pregnant. I wish I never met you or ran into you again. I should have stayed in Miami."

His face falls and his arms reach out to me. "NO, STAY AWAY FROM ME! DO NOT TOUCH ME!", I scream and pick the nearest coffee mug up off the table and throw it in his direction. Brown liquid forms a puddle on the floor and splatters all over, while the sound of broken ceramic fills my ears.

"I just want to help you." His tall frame brings him another step closer.

I grab the box of donuts his sister brought over and fling them at him next. "I don't need help!" I'm crying now. "I can't stand you, I hate you. I hate the way I feel. I hate everything right now." The force of my sobs make me slip to the tiled floor, and I'm shaking like crazy.

His eyes are glistening with unshed tears as he stares at me in disbelief. "I-I...", his voice trails off and he walks away. I'm still on the floor when I hear him talking into the phone. "Yes, this is an emergency. My fiance is having a mental breakdown and I don't know what to do."

Holy shit he's calling the police, I'm not gonna be around for this. I know what I need and my plan is still obtainable, but not as long as he's around babysitting me. I get up quietly and creep over to where my car keys are hanging on the mail center and take them down, then sneak out the back door and sprint around the front of the house to my car parked in the driveway.

I get in and slam the door closed, lock the doors and start up the car. I see James come out of the door, running towards me. He's yelling something but I can't hear him. I start to back up but his truck is parked behind mine, so I just take another way around it, backing into the trashcan and hitting the mailbox at the end of the driveway, but I don't stop. I drive away as fast as I can. Persistent tears keep pouring from my eyes, and I have no destination in mind, but I keep driving.

Some time later I end up at Callie's house. I don't know why or how, or anything but I feel so weak as I shut the engine off and stagger to the door. I ring the doorbell and lean against the column, until the door comes open. Kendall is standing there. "I-is Callie here?" I can only imagine what I look like standing here but I can't bring myself to care.

"Yeah, come on in and I'll get her", he helps me in and then he disappears into the living room. Not long after that, a wide eyed Callie scurries into the foyer, no doubt concerned about my appearance.

My chest is tight and burning, but apparently I'm not all cried out just yet. My shaky legs give out and I slink down to the floor on my knees. I don't know what it is about my friend, but I begin to pour my heart out to her. "Callie...I-I don't know what's wrong with me. I wanna die...I don't wanna die. But I don't want to live anymore. I tried to kill myself. I was going to commit suicide. I will. Help me please. I just can't stand myself. I don't like anything. I don't feel anything but hurt and pain. I need to get out of my head and feel like I want to crawl out of my skin."

Callie sinks down to the floor next to me with a sardonic look on her face, and wraps her arms around me. "Shhh", she whispers into my hair, and I continue sobbing until I'm worn out and just plain out of breath. "Callie, I can't do this anymore", my voice has dwindled down to a breathy whisper.

She pushes my hair off of my face and cups my chin, stroking her other hand down my chin in a soothing gesture. "Calm down honey. I'm here for you. Maybe you want to lay down upstairs and take a nap?"

Too exhausted to talk anymore, I just nod my head.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Okay so things will get a little lighter now in the story, so you can breathe easier. SHOUT OUTS ****Logan'sHoneyPie****- I don't think it's good enough for a movie, but thanks. Yeah a lot of stuff happened, and she was planning to pop those pills after her mom left with Holly. ****paumichyy****- that was the plan, thank God James had perfect timing! ****KtotheH****- aww you're so concerned about Esme, it's sweet. Well yeah James is just kinda like "huh?", and I guess if you read on you'll see what happens next. ****SuperSillyStories****- aww that is my wish as well...and Happy New Year to you as well, thanks! ****heartofgoldd****- yes this is a very intense story, but you will have an explanation in the first part of this chapter ****DeniseDEMD****- yes it did, and I hope so as well...aww thank you, Happy New Year to you as well. ****FangedCutie****- yes, the past two chapters were scary *wipes sweat from brow* rest assured that I didn't suffer postpartum depression with any of my kids, but my twin sis did! ****annabellex2****- Whoa, well I hope everything is okay with you. I've suffered from depression, but somehow got lucky enough to miss the postpartum kind! I am hoping she gets some help as well, thank you and Happy New Year to you as well! ****rwjj28****- it totally is! ****KendallsCoverGirl804****- yes everything's just crazy right now in the story, i'm glad you love it, it is rather intense lol **

**James's POV**

THE NEXT DAY

"Thank you for meeting with me today Mr. Diamond and Mrs. Smythe", the middle aged man with curly brown says as he stands up to shake my hand, then Esme's mom's. I nod my head at him, and he seats himself back in his chair and scoots himself closer to his desk. "As you know, I'm Dr. Weiss, and I talked with and observed Esme earlier this morning. According to what her prenatal doctor explained to me, and what I was told myself by Ms. Smythe, we have diagnosed her with Postpartum Depression."

Esme's mom opens her mouth the say something but Dr. Weiss holds up a finger to shush her. "I'm going to give you a bit of an explanation, and when I'm finished I'm open to answer any questions that you may have. There are many different factors that can contribute to depression after a woman gives birth. First of all, there are changes in hormones after delivery. Then there are changes in a woman's body from pregnancy and delivery. A lot of new things happen to a first time mom; such as changes in work and social relationships, having less time and freedom for yourself, and lack of sleep.

Postpartum depression is not as uncommon as one may think, but a lot of times it can be confused with the baby blues. We actually diagnose someone who is having more severe symptoms, that affects their everyday life. For Esme, what raised a red flag is thoughts of death or suicide. She did confess that she thought twice about committing suicide." Dr. Weiss stops for a moment to catch his breath and apparently let the news soak in.

My heart stops and I shift my feet around uncomfortably on the floor. I had no idea that Esme's problem was so extreme and I definitely had no clue about her being suicidal. She wants to kill herself? "Are you sure...about the suicide part?", I shift in my chair.

"Yes, she openly admitted to wanting to overdose on muscle relaxers so that she would fall asleep and never wake up again."

Esme's mom gasps and looks over at me horrified. I'm just as much in shock as she is. I know she was acting hysterical and crazy yesterday, but I surely didn't expect this.

"Is she gonna be okay?"

The older man clears his throat and folds his hands together on top of his desk. "We are confident that with the help of anti-depressants and therapy that she will make a full recovery."

"Ohhh", Mrs. Smythe's hand is covering her chest.

"How do you know that?", I ask. I can't take any chances, I love this woman with all of my being and we now have a child together. I can't risk anything happening to her.

"Well Mr. Diamond", he looks me straight in the eye. "There are no guarantees but this is the typical treatment and it has been very effective on past patients." He shifts so that he's facing Esme's mom. "Now, we need to figure out a plan for her. As I said, I think that getting her on an anti-depressant would be the best idea, but I need to know that she has someone to help her. Due to everything she has said, I've decided to try her out on wellbutrin. It's a medicine that has a high respondent rate, but it often makes patients sleepy at first. She may not be able to care for the infant, and she may sleep more hours of the day than she'll be awake."

"She lives with me. I can take some time off of work", I offer.

I'm thrown an apologetic glance. "For some reason, Esme has much ill will towards you, and she informed me that she will not be returning back to your shared house."

What?! My stomach feels sick and my head starts spinning.

"I-I can help", her mom speaks up. "I mean I'm her mother, and if she has no wish to stay with James, she is always welcome at home. I could take vacation from work and stay home with her to help care for Holly." Her eyes look hopeful as she glances at me.

"I think this would be the best idea. Mr. Diamond, I know that as the father, this seems harsh, but perhaps if she gets a clean break from you, her feelings might begin to change when the medicine starts to do it's job." Mrs. Smythe reaches over and pats my arm. "Esme resents you. She thinks that you did this to her and it's unfair because everything always come easy for you and she feels a lot of pressure to be perfect."

This doesn't make sense, I didn't do anything, and Esme is perfect as she is. "I don't understand."

"Ahhh James, there is much that the three of us sitting in this room right now may never understand, because we've never suffered depression. But we do know that she has some irrational thoughts."

Point taken, but still. "My job today is for you close loved ones of Esme to come up with a plan that would be for her best interest. She specifically requested not to be sent to a behavioral center, and I believe that with the proper support, she will be fine doing outpatient therapy."

"I-she's my fiance. Holly is my baby. How am I supposed to live without them?", I run my hands through my hair, feeling nothing but despair.

"James", Mrs. Smythe speaks softly. "Think about what the doctor is saying. Right now Esme doesn't want to be with you. If we force her, or if we try to take Holly, she might retaliate and I personally don't want to chance that." She takes my hand between her two. "I know that you love her and Holly, James, and I don't want to do anything that will hurt you, but I don't want to do anything drastic to set Esme off. Let her and the baby stay with me and my husband. We are her parents. I will take care of her and Holly, I promise you. I won't let anything happen to either of them." Her eyes are shining with tears, and I can tell she is as concerned as I am. "You can come anytime to see the baby, I would never keep your daughter from you. You can even keep her with you on your days off. You're a great boyfriend and a wonderful father. My husband and I are proud of you but there is much at stake right now. I know this won't be easy for you, but I think it'll be the best in the long run."

Esme's mom removes a kleenex from the tissue box perched upon Mr. Weiss's desk and dabs at her eyes. I cross my arms and try to think straight. My daughter and my fiance won't be coming back home. Every day after work I will come to an empty, quiet house. I will be sleeping alone. I will be going back to the dull, boring life that I had before Esme and I became reacquinted. But I can't be selfish right now. If I weigh the pros and cons, Mrs. Smythe is right, no matter how much I don't want her to be. But if this gives Esme a chance to be happy again, I won't stop her; I love her that much.

I run my hands down my face, then through my hair as I try to stabilize my voice. Any second now the tears threatening to spill over will come pouring out because I'm about to lose everything that's so important in my life. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, forcing myself to say the words. "Okay, I'll agree to it."

Esme's mom's arms come around me and she rests her chin on top of my head, running her hands up and down my back. "It's for Esme, James. All for her and your beautiful daughter. And it's not forever."

...

I feel strange when I wake up. I lean over to turn on the lamp beside the bed, but realize it's not there. I make my way through the dark and flip the light switch on, then realize I'm at my mom and dad's house. My eyes find the clock, it's 8:30 and for it to be this dark, it's got to be night time. As I glance around at all the baby stuff cluttering up the corner of the room, I remember the solemn events of yesterday.

_I fell asleep at Callie's and didn't wake up until this morning. She and Kendall talked to me, and said that maybe I need to see the doctor because I'm not acting normal. I didn't even try to deny this or get out of it, because I know something is not right with me. Kendall told me a horror story about his cousin who had suffered post-partum depression. She was on the verge of insanity and had no interest in her baby. One day her truck driver husband came home to find their infant screaming and crying in the crib, who hadn't eaten for days and hadn't had a diaper change...the mom was found in the bedroom, with a pair of scissors in her throat. She had done it to herself._

_ The details were horrible, and I know that even though I may not be feeling anything for my daughter, I wish her no harm and I know for her sake and mine that I need to get better. Callie helped me get an appointment with my OB/GYN, and my doctor saw me right away, and when she suggested I talk to a psychiatrist, I agreed. It's mine and my baby's life at stake right now, no matter how icky and useless I feel, I can't be responsible for an innocent's loss of life. _

_ After the appointment, I came to my parent's house, not wanting to face James, and of course he had told them about the melt-down. I assured them that I'm okay, and mom had to run off to an appointment, so me and dad had just been sitting on the couch together watching t.v. while Holly slept, and I guess soon after I took the pill the doctor prescribed for me, I had fallen asleep._

I run to the bathroom then head downstairs, where I find my parent's sitting on the couch, with a play-pen set up in the middle of the living room. "What's going on?", I ask, still somewhat groggy.

"Hi honey, how are you feeling?", mom asks.

"Okay, I guess. Why is all of Holly's stuff here?"

"Come sit down and we'll have a talk, Esme", my dad says.

I walk over to the recliner and peek into the play-pen seeing my daughter sleeping, then sit down. "Honey, the doctor who saw you today asked to speak to James and I. He told us everything that's been going on."

I'm instantly filled with shame. "Mom, dad, I didn't understand what was happening. The doctor says it's postpartum depression."

"Yes sweetie, we know that", my dad says. "And we know you're on medication and that you're going to get better, but we need to know what your plans for living arrangements are."

I close my eyes for a second then swallow the lump in my throat. "I- don't know. I hadn't thought about it." I look down at my hands in my lap. "I ended things with James. I really don't want to go back there", I say quietly.

"Esme", mom says softly that makes my eyes meet hers. "You are more than welcome to stay here. We know you don't really have any other place to go, and I'd like to be here to help you out until you get better."

Humiliation sweeps through my bones. So they know everything, that I wanted to kill myself. I had plans. That thought alone scares me right now. Sitting in that doctor's office today gave me a good dose of reality. I'm an adult and moved out when I turned eighteen and have always taken care of myself since then, but I just don't have the means to do that right now. I really don't want my mom breathing down my neck twenty four seven and have to answer to anybody, but the little sigh coming from a few feet away reminds me that I'm a parent now, and I have to think and act like one.

"I'll stay here, but if you try any crap with James and try to get us back together, I'm so out of here." I know how meddle-some my mom can be and if I can't stand James, she'll just have to understand that. "And as soon as I'm feeling better and can get a job, I will. I plan on moving back down to Miami".

My mom's eyes grow wide and her mouth opens to say something, but my dad places his hand over hers and she faces him. I see the look he gives her, urging her not to push me. "That's fine Esme", she states and gets up. "I cooked lasagna for dinner a while ago, there's still plenty left if you're hungry."

"No, I'm gonna go back upstairs", I truly have no appetite. "Just get me when Holly wakes up", I say as I climb the stairs.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Feel free to tell me if this story is getting boring, because I feel pretty BLAH about it. I don't know if it's due to the fact that I'm tired or not, but please your honest input would be greatly appreciated, thanks! And thank you to all of you lovelies reviewing my story, I know it's been quite depressing. SHOUT OUTS ****dudeamanda****- I like your way of thinking ****KendallsCoverGirl804**** I understand your concern about Esme's mom, but what if they were to keep Holly from Esme? She might really go ballistic! ****Logan's Honey Pie****- Depression is absolutely a crazy thing, I would know! Maybe things will turn around, but then again, maybe not! ****DeniseDEMD****- ha well, first of all, I have suffered from depression so it's easy to recall the emotions, secondly, my twin sister did have postpartum depression, so yeah. I would like them back together again as well, but we'll have to wait and see how the story goes. As for the shirt off thing (big smile) hint noted ;) ****paumichyy****- it looks like it, I know right? Poor James, it can't be easy on him either! ****jamsaddler****- Wow, well no need to thank me, but yes depression definitely is a battle...i too hope that James and Esme are able to work through things for the sake of Holly ****briannamaslover****- *hug* aww I'm really sorry that you don't like the depression stuff, although it is in face a real "disease". Let me assure you that the worst is over, and on another note, thank you for sticking by this and reading it even if it was hard for you to do so! ****heartofgoldd****- yeah, it's been a real turn of events, no one knows what's gonna happen from one minute to the next! ****FangedCutie****- yes it is sad :( Who knows what will happen though? I'm a big believer in love conquers all! ****SuperSillyStories****- Poor James and Esme both, what a crazy thing to be happening right? But yes she did get help so I have much hope :)**

TWO WEEKS LATER

My mood has begun to lift since being on the medication, and after singing to Holly while giving her a bath, I rubbed lotion all over her soft little body, dressed her, and fed her. Now she's nestled on my chest as I continue to rock in the chair and marvel at the feeling of this tiny miracle sleeping soundly on me. Her skin is so soft, she smells good, and every so often she'll let out a sigh that sounds like music to my ears. I've finally found joy in being a mother, and I hold onto her to ease my nerves until I hear the doorbell ring. I carefully lay her down in the crib, placing a kiss to her forehead as I bend down, then exit the room quietly, and make my way down the stairs.

It's friday and mom informed me earlier that James is coming to pick her up for the night, so I've had a little bit of time to figure out what I'm going to say to him. He's standing in the foyer talking to my dad when I grab my coat off the hook and put it on, then ask James if we can go outside and chat. He complies, and follows me out to the front porch, where we both sit on each end of the swing.

I put my hands on my lap, not knowing how to start. "James", I say his name.

He faces me with sadness, his hazel eyes are soft. "Esme, I miss you", he breathes out a long sigh.

I tuck my hair behind my ears and shift nervously. "James, I-I didn't bring you out here to talk about us. As I said the other day, we're over a-"

I'm cut off when James raises his voice. "Don't you love me Esme? I mean How can you just throw this all away without even giving our family a fair chance? Granted, we kinda got stuck together because you got pregnant, but I never though of it as 'stuck'. I care about you, I enjoy being with you. Don't you love me Esme?"

I avoid looking at my fiance. "I did give us a chance, but how can we be a happy little family when there is no you and I. I mean it James, I just don't have those kind of feelings for you anymore. Maybe I never really did. Maybe it was infatuation or hormones or something. Maybe we just weren't meant to be." To give meaning to my words, I slide the engagement ring off of my finger that he gave me on Christmas day and drop it into his hand. His mouth gapes open, but I ignore his reaction and tip my head back, resting it against the cold wood of the swing.

Moments of silence pass before I inhale deeply and speak up again. "I umm...after I get better and can get can get a job and save up some money, I'm moving back to Miami. And I'm taking Holly with me."

James sits up quickly with fear in his eyes. "Like hell you are! That's my daughter, too."

"I don't care. I'm her mother and she'll go wherever I go", I retort hotly. I mean, I know I'm not going to win mother of the year award, but I'm improving and it's not like I'm talking about leaving today.

Our argument turns heated. "And I'm her dad and I deserve to be with her as well!"

"Well then I guess you better plan to move to Florida then".

"Look Esme, just because I have feelings for you and you...you don't care for me doesn't mean that I'm going to back down. There's no reason why my child should be taken from me, and I'm going to fight for her. I'll take you to court."

That was a low blow, even if it the truth. "You can't! I love it in Miami and I regret moving back up here."

"Well here's some news for you cupcake." James gets closer to me and speaks venomously, like he's never done to me before. "You're a mom now and life isn't all about just you anymore!"

I can't control my anger when I lash out and bring my palm across his cheek. He stands up and backs away, narrowing his eyes at me, as if he can't believe I slapped him.

"I-I'm sorry", I apologize, seeing a red mark forming on his face. Immediately my eyes well up with tears of frustration. I'm finally getting myself back on track and happy about something, simply to be told that it won't be happening.

I put my hand on James's shoulder. "Really, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that", I whisper to him honestly.

Pain is evident in his eyes as he faces me, but the expressions of his face soften. "It's okay", his tone is so tender that it hurts my heart. "I know it's not easy on either one us right now, but believe me I'm trying my best. It's hard going home everyday to an emptiness and loneliness. Forgive me if I lost the woman of my dreams and I have to go somewhere to see my daughter when she should be living in my house."

"I-I..." I can't get my mouth to form words.

"This wasn't the plan. It isn't how it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be you, me, and Holly together forever. You and I are supposed to be sitting there with tears of joy running down our faces as we watch her take her first steps. When she's sick, we're supposed to let her sleep in our bed, between us. You were supposed to be a stay at home until she starts school. You know I don't want my daughter going to daycare or having a babysitter." He trails a hand down his face.

"Not everything always goes according to plan. Things change", I try to plead my case.

"Forget about it", my exfiance says as he stands up and looks at the ring I gave back to hinm, then drops it in his pocket with a solemn look. I know how you feel. I'm going to get Holly and I'll be bringing her back Sunday." With that, Mr. Diamond walks away, leaving me crushed.

...

It's been another two weeks since James and I had our 'words', if you will, and I sit here with my arms crossed in front of Dr. Haynes, my psychiatrist, and tap my foot on the floor. Usually I don't mind therapy too much, I just babble on about this and that while she asks questions, and she doesn't judge me. She just peels through my layers and nods her head, occasionally writing something down.

However, today James is here. When I told Dr. Haynes last week what had went down, she suggest that I bring James in and let him sit in on one of my sessions. I don't know her reasoning for this, nor could I find a reason to say, so I agreed. I texted James about it and he readily said he'd come. I figure if I don't do it, she won't get off my back, so I'll get it done and overwith.

After introducing herself to James, Dr. Haynes asks him how he feels about me. "I love her", he shrugs and throws his hands up as if it's not obvious.

"Okay", Dr. Haynes now turns her attention to me. "And how do you feel about Mr. Diamond, Esme."

"Well, he's the father of my daughter. I think I loved him at one time, but now I just don't like him."

"Okay, and why do you think that is?", she probes further.

"I don't know", I answer. The look I'm given alerts me that she's not going to give up until I provide a reasonable response. "Because he's so perfect, I mean just look at him", I fling my hand out to the side and up and down his body and face. I can't disguise the disgust in my voice as I go on. "And he easily handles things that come his way, like nothing gets under his skin. He's always got a smile on his face and he bounces around all chipper like he's got his own ray of sunshine shoved up his ass."

"Why are you so mad right now?"

"I'm not mad. I just hate being around him."

She nods. "And why is that, Esme?"

I'm hesitant to answer at first, but I just blurt it out. "Because he makes me feel so inadequate. I don't measure up." James's eyes look like they're about ready to bulge out of his head.

"I see. Okay, so now I have a few questions for you Mr. Diamond, if you will allow me to ask them."

James clears his throat and sits up, nodding. "That's fine."

Dr. Haynes leans forward to rest her elbow on the desk, then rests her chin in his palm. "You love Ms. Smythe?", she asks.

"Yes, I do", I see James glance over at me out of the corner of his eye.

"Can you give me a reason why you love this woman?"

"Umm sure. First, she's perfect. She's-"

"Let me stop you for a minute", Miss Haynes holds her hand out. "Can you define your meaning of perfect for me?"

"Well yeah. When she laughs, it's perfect. It just touches my heart and makes my chest tight. The way she talks in her sleep is perfect. The way she hums to herself while cooking. The incredible look in her eyes when she holds our daughter. There are just so many things, I could go on and on." James turns in his chair and is full on facing me, talking directly to me right now. "Everything about this woman is perfect, I just love her. And my life is miserable without her."

Dr. Haynes straightens her back. "So to sum this up, Esme you hate James because he's perfect. And James, you love Esme because she is your definition of perfect?"

"Yes", I mutter.

"Pretty much", James says.

"Alright, now I just want you to think about this discussion we had until next week, Esme", Dr. Haynes remarks matter of factly. "Then we'll talk about it a little more in depth when Mr. Diamond isn't here."

"Okay", I keep my eyes fixed on my shoes.

"Before we wrap this up, do either one of you have anything else to say?"

"I-I do", James stands up and once again turns toward me. "Love can't be defined or set in margins. Each relationship is different, and if I ever made you feel like you weren't good enough for me, than I am sincerely sorry. I've honestly never thought that myself Esme. You complete me. And no I'm not perfect as you might think, but I know I'm a better man when you're beside me. This isn't a competition at whoever's better at this or that, this is about us, loving eachother, spending our days together, making eachother happy. During rough times, we should be helping eachother through it, not throwing it all away and hating eachother."

I don't respond, instead I sit here and let my thoughts run wild. _But I failed at being a mother. I upset so many people, drove myself to the brink of insanity, worried people to death because I'm not as strong as I should be. I give up too easily. _

Not ready to give up just yet, James persists. "I don't hate you or dislike you because of what happened after you had Holly. It's depression...mental disorder. You can't control it! I'll never make fun of you or throw it up in your face."

He knows me so well, I just can't even fathom this right now. But isn't that what you do when you love someone so much? You let them go? It's easier to let James go and have a chance at finding true happiness than be selfish and admit that I need him. "I-I can't do this right now", I say numbly as I grab my coat, then walk out of the office.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Thanks for all the input, you guys are great! I guess the whole BLAH thing came because I feel like this is story is somewhat jumping around, like in two week increments and I didn't know if it was lousy or what lol, but thank you to all of those who reassured me this isn't boring. Second, I just started up a new Carlos chapter story last night (my first ever lol), and it's called MY CONFLICTED HEART if you'd like to check it out. As always, a big thank you to you wonderful reviewers, it means a lot. SHOUT OUTS ****SuperSillyStories****- you may be onto something there hehe, thanks! ****BTRfanfiction1516****- ugh so sad right? But I guess you'll have to continue reading to see what happens. ****Logan's Honey Pie****- Things are quiet chaotic, and yes Esme may actually still love James, who knows? ****paumichyy****- I'd like to believe that she still does love James...awww I know James is just so sweet, he loves her so much! ****dudeamanda****- Well thank you so much for all of your input. This is definitely a different story and they have lots of issues, maybe they will get resolved. ****annabellex2****- yes, James is so amazing in this story ;) I will definitely continue, I can't see dropping the story, thanks! ****SoccerFreak1D****- ha yes it was intense! I'd like to see them back together as well, for the sake of love...what can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic! ****KtotheH****- no worries about not reviewing, they are not required :) I do hope that everything is better at home though! And maybe something drastic will have to happen for Esme to realize...things ****heartofgoldd****- Yeah, I mean who can hate James right? Of course a man in love is giong to keep trying to get his girl, we'll just have to hope that Esme will have a change of heart! ****CrushedGurlz****- Wow, thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed Home For the Holidays because I had so much fun writing it! Aww, and yes depression is a hard thing, but it's so easy for me to write because I've experienced it, but your compliments are awesome, thanks so much! ****FangedCutie****- totally! ****jamsaddler****- your wish is my command ;)**

TWO WEEKS LATER

The doorbell rings and I go to answer it, already knowing that it'll be James. Today is Friday, the usual day he picks up Holly, and my parents went out tonight, so it's up to me to get my daughter sent off to with her dad. "Hi", I open the door and motion for him to come in.

James looks a bit surprised to see me answering the door, but he quickly changes his expression and looks me over. I'm not looking at him, but I can just tell his eyes are on me. "She's sleeping up in her crib. I'll go get her for you", I tell him and head toward the stairs.

"Esme, wait, can I talk to you for a sec?", he asks.

I stop and turn around. "Umm, okay", I answer.

"About that girl you saw me with the other day at the ma-"

"Look James", I hold my hands out in front of me to make him stop talking. "What you're doing with another woman is no business of mine. You're free to do as you wish okay?"

He looks like he's not done talking yet, but I don't want to hear it. I started working in Macy's part time at the mall, as suggested by Dr. Haynes for me to get a job. She says it's not healthy for me to stay stuck up in the house all the time. I talked this over with mom, and considering she took an indefinite amount of time from work, she's all for it. I mean, my mom really doesn't have to work, she does it because she figures with just her and dad here, there's so sense in her sitting around on the couch watching t.v. all day. But now that Holly and I are here, she has something to do to keep her occupied, and it's not like she's absolutely dying to go back to work. My mom has been my saving grace, she's done so much for me within the past couple of months; if it wasn't for her, I don't know what I would've done with myself.

Last night when dad came home with tickets to see a play at the opera, mom was hesitant about going, but I assured her I would be just fine. First of all, my mom is not my keeper, she deserves to go out and enjoy things in life that she deserves. Second, I'm pretty confident that I can handle James Diamond all on my own.

So on Tuesday I was on my lunch break and went to the food court to get something to eat, I happened to pass by one James with his arms wrapped around an attractive blonde. Did it pull at my heart? Yes, it most certainly did. But I understand with the choices I made, that I have no claims on him. He saw me and I gave a little wave before scurrying off, trying to keep myself straight. I mean, he sure didn't waste any time moving on, and maybe I just wasn't expecting it; that's why it had affected me so bad. I wrote it off as another life experience and chose to forget about it. It's that simple, if I don't think about it, I can forget it, and it doesn't hurt.

I go into the nursery and pick up my sleeping baby, then bring her downstairs. "She slept for a few hours so she might stay awake for a while", I smile down at her chubby cheeks and her pretty hazel eyes, just like her daddy's. Her fist is balled up and she's trying to shove it in her mouth her little tongue leaving slobber all over her hand. "I think she's hungry. If you have a minute I'll fix her up a bottle".

"Yeah, sure". I hand over to James so I can go mix up a bottle of formula, and I sigh and lean against the counter to compose myself. It's not hard to be nice to James, I just don't want to give him the wrong impression, and I have to admit that when his hand accidentally brushed mine, I felt something. And seeing him hold Holly in his arms as if she's so fragile, is just priceless. It's totally making me melt.

I return back to the living room with a full baby bottle and hand it to James, who sits down on the recliner and begins to feed our daughter. In the meantime to keep things from being awkward, I gather up a few things that he might need, and grab the car seat when he calls up that he managed to forget his. I don't blame him, taking care of a baby is hard work, there's so much involved and it's easy to lose your head and forget things.

I set everything by the door, then ask James for Holly. Okay so she stays with me ninety percent of the time, but I love her so much and miss her like crazy when she's gone for the weekend or even just the day with her dad. I cuddle her and soon the bottle is empty, so I lift my baby over my shoulder and pat her back until she gives me a good burp. It's a big one, making James and I both laugh. Reluctantly, I hand her over to him once again, then place a kiss on her cheek. She hates getting in the car seat, so I allow James to be the bad guy and get her fastened in, and she begins fussing very shortly after she realizes she's all buckled up.

James slings the bag over his shoulder and effortlessly lifts the car seat up. "You're here by yourself?", he asks.

"Yeah", I answer and open the door for him.

He steps out then turns around. "Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yes, I'll be fine. Thanks, but don't worry about me. I have plans."

"Okay, see ya Sunday", I can tell his grin is forced but I don't know why. I simply said I had plans, and if he takes a good look, he'll notice me wearing jeans and a sweater, with my hair pulled up into a ponytail. It's not like I'm dressed in a tight, short dress with layers of make-up caked on and perfectly done hair. I'm a mom now, those days are behind me, and even so I'm not looking for a man or anything. I'm going over to Callie's to hang out with her and Leanne for some girl time.

...

"What's shakin' ladies?", I ask as I enter the house without knocking. Callie and I are cool like that. She and Leanne are sitting on the couch watching t.v.

"Hey hey", Leanne says and jumps up to give me a hug.

"Hey girl", Callie greets me and waves us back over to the living room.

"So what's going on for tonight?", I take my coat off drape it over the back of the recliner before sitting.

"Not much, just sharing a bottle of white wine", she points to the bottle and glasses settled on coasters on top of the glass coffee table. "Want some?", she picks up her flute and takes a drink.

"No, I'm good thanks". I don't know if it's safe to drink while taking my medication, but I have no urge for alcohol, besides I will be driving home later on tonight and I don't need another incident like last time. That's what got me started into this whole mess in the first place last year.

"So how are you doing?", Leanne throws out the question. I think I've only talked to her once since I've had Holly.

"I'm doing much better", I respond honestly.

"That's good."

"I second that", Callie nods.

"I wish you would have told me. I would've done the best I could because I kinda went through it a little bit too when I had Nicole." Nicole is Leanne and Logan's daughter.

"Oh really?" That's interesting and this is news to me. I tilt my head to the side in curiosity.

"But my depression wasn't as extreme as yours, and Logan noticed and figured it out, and had me call the doctor. He was concerned and my OB/GYN put me on prozac, which helped almost immediately. I think I came off of it after like, six months."

"Wow", I nod my head. "I just didn't understand what was going on and", I wave my hand around in the air. "I don't know. I just wanna move on from it and leave the past in the past."

"Okay", Callie nods understandingly.

"So", Leanne turns to Callie. "In one week, it will your last night as a single woman! How does it feel?"

Callie's face turns up into a huge smile. "It feels great. But I'm kinda burnt out from all this wedding stuff. I'll be so glad when it's all over. It's been fun and exciting, but the closer we get, the more chaotic things seem to get." She groans.

"Uh-oh", is my reply.

"You're not getting cold feet about it are you?", Leanne asks with wide eyes.

"No way!", she shrieks. "I mean knedall and I have been together for over two years, we live together and do everything a married couple does. I guess now all that's left to do is say our vows and get my last name changed."

"Yeah, I guess", Leanne shrugs. "So how's James?"

"Well, he's okay I'm assuming. He looked alright when he came to pick up Holly earlier."

"Are you ready to get back together with him?"

I shake my head. "No", I remark simply.

"Do you still love him?"

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. "I do", I admit truthfully.

Both of my friends' faces light up. "So what's holding you back then?"

I don't really wanna go into detail but these are my friends and they'll help me sort this out. "I think he's seeing someone."

"No way!"

"Yeah that can't be true", Lisa sits up straight and gawks at me. "Logan said James talks about you all the time at work."

"I don't know", I fold my hands in my lap. I don't even want to remember seeing James with his arms around someone else. "Not only that though, but like what if he doesn't like me anymore? You have to admit that I was acting like such a whack job and I wasn't nice to him or his sister, either. He says he'll never make fun of me for it for anything, but I don't know."

"Esme", Callie puts her hand on top of mine and gives it a squeeze. "I'm sure he'd take you back in a heartbeat, if you just ask. He's a pretty understanding guy and if he's gotten over you that quickly, then I will personally beat his ass myself, even if that means I have to show up to my own wedding with a possible black eye or some other kind of injury."

I can't help but to laugh as I picture Callie walking down the aisle with a pair of crutches. "I don't know. The medicine is doing it's job and I'm feeling so great now, but I need to take some time to think about things. Like, what if I really don't wanna get back with him? What if I just think I do? It's so complicated!", I yell in frustration.

"True love only comes once in a lifetime. Don't let it pass you by", Leanne says with a twinkle in her eyes.

Okay so they may be some quite cheesy words, but I understand. Leanne and Logan have been married for a couple of years and are like the most perfect couple, so of course Leanne's head is floating in the clouds everyday. "Yeah", I whisper, thinking about those words. "Did you invite James to the wedding?"

"I certainly did, and he RSVP'd, so he'll definitely be coming", Callie wiggles her eyebrows.

Leanne shrieks and grabs my arm excitedly. "Maybe you could try to talk to him then. You'll be all dolled up and he won't be able to resist you."

"I don't know ladies", I tell them feeling unsure. "Like I said I really need to think things through before I can make a decision."

"Alright", Callie responds but I don't miss the look or the wink she gives Leanne.

A look of understanding crosses Leanne's face, then a grin splits her face in two. "Okay you two, I know you're scheming and I don't think whatever it is, is a good idea."

"Mm-hmm", Callie retorts, completely ignoring me and leans close to Leanne. Oh shit, the look on both of their faces lets me know I'm in for something, but the question is, am I ready?


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Wow chapter eight, this is moving right along! A big thank you to my awesome reviewers, you guys are the best! SHOUT OUTS ****Logan's Honey Pie****- Yeah, I think none of us like the new girl, whoever she may be. Hehe and yeah help from friends wouldn't be so bad :) ****Guest****- yeah it would be kinda crappy if the new girl was a girlfriend already! And yes her two friends have some kind of plan to get them back together :) ****paumichyy****- oh girl, I could imagine the drama if James did bring that girl along! :) ****KtotheH****- hehe yeah stuff is getting serious! :) ****SuperSillyStories****- I totally agree, scheming can be a good thing! I totally like your ideas, unfortunately they were not in the plot, but I should have rethought it :) ****CrushedGurlz****- why thank you. Yes, I think Esme is just really mixed up about things right now...ahh dancing at the wedding, sounds so romantic! :) ****DeniseDEMD****- well thank you! Yes, some of my past experiences have been put in the story, but not all lol. Yes schemes plus weddings are quite fun, unfortunately they weren't included in my plot, and i'm bummed! ;) ****btrfanfiction1516****- awww, how sad...it's sad right? *hug* lol :) ****annabellex2****- yeah she's thinking of James...and we'll have to see what happens :) ****FangedCutie****- yup, she's considering things again, and things are kinda looking up...maybe...you never know when there's a plot twist ;)**

I fight the urge to look around me as I walk down the aisle, clutching onto Callie's brother's arm, and keep my vision straight ahead. Yup, today is my friend's wedding day and I'm so excited for her. She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids and wouldn't take no for an answer, hence the reason why I'm donning this rose colored gown and being dropped off next to her Maid of Honor, which is her older sister named Stacey. I watch as her brother Nathan takes his own place and three more couples walk down the aisle before the parents. Keeping the smile painted on my face, I scan the crowds of people seated in the pews, hoping to catch a glance of James. I haven't seen him since last week and I really would like for us to be able to sit down and talk about things. I don't know what trick Callie and Leanne have up their sleeves, but I have come to the conclusion that James and I need to have a long discussion. Thankfully the Wedding March begins playing, which averts my attention from being disappointed to excited as I watch Callie walk down the aisle, ushered by her father. She looks beautiful and I'm so happy for her.

When she reaches Kendall, her dad places a kiss on her cheek, then goes to sit down in the first row next to her mother. Several times throughout the ceremony, I keep searching for James, and end up with the same disappointing feeling in my gut when I can't locate him. Maybe he's just running late and didn't want to be rude and cause a scene by arriving late, so he's standing outside the church doors, listening in on the ceremony.

Tears stream down my face as Kendall and Callie repeat their vows to another. Weddings are so romantic and touching, and this is the moment I have a break through. I can imagine standing on the same altar with James, professing our love to eachother and dedicating the rest of our lives to one another. I've never loved a man as much as I do love him, and I don't think it's possible to find one better than James Diamond. I've been a fool, but aren't we all at times?

An hour later I'm standing in the ballroom of the Hilton, where the reception of the newly married Mr. and Mrs. Kendall Knight is being held. Everyone has already said their toasts and all that fun jazz, and the meal of fish has been served. A number of people are dancing to the upbeat music being played by the DJ, and I'm currently standing next to Leanne. "Still no James huh?", she asks me with sympathy in her voice.

"Nuh-uh", I shake my head no and take a sip of the champagne. I decided that I can indulge in one glass tonight to celebrate this joyous day with my friends who so rightfully deserve it. We chat for a few minutes about how great everything turned out when I see Jenna, James's sister, heading my way. I panic and look around wildly for a quick escape, but I'm too late when she reaches me.

"Hi, Esme. How are you?" Her tone is friendly, making me feel guilty for totally spazzing out on her that day. I haven't seen or spoken to her since then.

"I'm doing pretty good actually", I keep my eyes on my feet for a few seconds then decide to man up. "Look Jenna", I casually touch her arm. "I'm really sorry for what happened that day, I just wasn't myself and-"

Jenna shakes her head, shutting me up. "You don't have to say another word about it, James told me what was going on."

"But I still feel horrible."

"It's okay", she smiles genuinely and embraces me in a hug. "Things happen and I understand. I'm not mad at you and I don't hate you."

My eyes well up once again with tears. "Do...", I pause to bite my lip, wondering if I should go on. "Do you know where he is? I thought he was supposed to be here today."

"You know what? I haven't really thought about it, but you're right. Maybe he got called into work or decided to stay home and be by himself. You know how he likes to act like he's a hermit sometimes."

I give a small giggle at her words, this is true. If James didn't absolutely have to leaved the house everyday for work, he might not leave the house for weeks at a time. "Thanks Jenna", I say, then she excuses herself to talk to someone else.

My thoughts get the best of me, and I'm hit with a ball of insecurity. Maybe James opted to spend the day with the blonde from the mall, or even worse, maybe he didn't show up because he knew I would be here. I decide to go ahead and head home, not wanting to let my emotions get the best of me, I'm upset enough as it is. Thoughts of one precious baby girl fill my mind, making me feel a little better and I tell everyone goodbye, and make my way home. One thing I have to say is that holding my daughter in my arms makes everything better.

"Hey mom", I call as soon as I'm in the door.

"Hey sweetie. Holly's upstairs taking a nap. Wasn't James supposed to pick her up today?", my mom asks.

"Ohhh", I think about it for a second and realize that she's right. My mind was so preoccupied with Callie's wedding all week, and this fact seem to have totally slipped my mind. "Yeah I think he was."

"Hmm", mom tips her head to the side. "Maybe he's having a bit too much fun at the reception."

"He wasn't at the wedding. Did he call or anything?", I ask her.

"No, not that I know of. But I did take Holly for a walk a while ago, maybe he called while we were out."

"Oh okay. I'll go check and see if we missed a message." Mom looks a little suprised at my concern, but I know she's a hopeless romantic and has been secretly hoping that James and I get back together.

Before I can walk away, the phone rings and my mom runs to grab the cordless phone from the coffee table. "Hello?", she speaks into the receiver.

I run upstairs to check on Holly, and smile at her sleeping form in her crib. I pull the little blanket up to her chin, then descend the stairs, to find my mom sitting on the couch, with her hands folded in her lap.

"Is everything okay mom? Who was that on the phone?"

"Sit down, Esme", she reaches a wrinkled hand out to me and tugs my wrist until I sit next to her. Panic floods my veins, and I do as I'm told. "James got hurt at work, he was called in. That was Carlos on the phone, he's not quite sure what happened, just that he was rushed to the hospital a few hours ago."

"Oh my God!" I feel my chest sink down to my stomach. "Is-is he okay?"

"I don't know, Carlos di-", I don't give my mom the chance to finish her sentence, I just jump up and lunge for my keys and purse.

"Mom, I'm gonna go to the hospital", I inform her with a shaky voice. She looks like she wants to argue but the look I shoot her tells her that I won't be swayed. "I'll drive carefully. I'll be okay. Love you mom", I pull the door closed quickly behind me and head to my car, still wearing my wedding clothes.

...

I knock lightly, then open the door to room 305 and see a blonde sitting in the chair next to the bed. "Oops", I say and begin to turn around when I'm halted by the woman calling my name. "Umm yeah, I'm Esme Smythe".

Her face breaks out into a big smile, and she leaps from the chair and runs over to me, flinging her arms around me in a hug. Whoever this person is reeks of booze and cigarettes. "It's been so long!", she squeaks, and takes a step back. I have to admit that I'm clueless as to who this lady is.

"Becky Davis...used to be Becky Hurley", she points to herself with a smile.

"Oh", my eyes widen with surprise. The one and only girl who ruined my chances with James back in sixth grade, and never had the nerve to tell me, just continued being a friend until she graduated and last I heard, she moved off to California. I take a good, long look at her. Her previous dark brown hair is now a shade of boxed blonde, she appears to have had some kind of plastic surgery that makes her whole face look completely fake, like it's stiff. Instead of looking her age of twenty two, she looks like she's thirty two. She's obviously had a boob job because the breasts and cleavage protruding from her two sizes too small shirt had not been there in high school. "Long time, no see", I utter.

"I know right?", she twirls her hand around a finger. "I moved out to Cali and married the owner of a car company. It lasted for a bit, but we're recently divorced."

"Oh ok", I nod my head, hoping she'll get the hint that I don't want to talk and just leave.

"Yeah, you look really good girl", she exclaims, then faces the bed, where James lays there hooked up to a number of machines and continues running her mouth a mile a minute. "Poor James. But he's so hot now, who would've thought right? I mean I almost didn't recognize him until I ran into him in the mall a couple weeks ago. He was pretty sympathetic when he heard what I'm going through with the divorce and all. He told me he was having problems with his woman, and he has a baby girl now. I mean, who has a baby with someone who looks like that and ends up without a ring on her finger?" She shakes her head back and forth. I bite my lip to keep from saying anything and just let my old friend continue her rant.

"Idiot, but oh well", Becky shrugs her shoulders. "Her loss is my gain. Too bad about what happened to him though, did you hear?"

"No, I didn't", I reply dryly.

"The old lady he was trying to save from the fourth floor apartment freaked out when there was an explosion and pushed him, knocking him off the ladder. He fell really hard and nobody knows if he'll make it or not. And they haven't had a chance to send him for x-rays yet, but his back might be broken. It's a shame, if he makes it he might be paralyzed. I should've played one of those dumb girl tricks and invited him over to get him in the sack."

I am totally disgusted, but act my age and hold my tongue, remembering what my mom had always told me, "_If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."_ This sick bitch finally catches on to my quiet demeanor and asks me what I'm doing here.

I cross my arms over my chest and don't try to hide the sarcasm in my voice. "Well I was at a wedding, then came home and realize that my daughter's father hadn't picked her up yet. I got a phone call saying that he was here, and as you see, here I am."

Becky's eyes widen like saucers and her mouth gapes open. "I-I didn't know-"

"Yeah, just leave Becky, and don't bother coming back", I warn her and watch her run away like a dog with it's tail between it's leg. I inhale a deep breath, then let it out and walk over to James, looking over his still body. This can't be happening, it just can't be. He's got to be okay. Before I know it, tears are streaming down my face and my legs get weak. I climb up onto the bed carefully on my knees, and rest my lips against James's warm cheek, holding his head between my hands.

"I'm sorry baby. For everything. I don't hate you". Using my thumbs I rub at the tears dropping onto his face. "I-I love you James. Don't leave us. I need you, Holly needs you." I say the words that need to be said and break down into sobs, not able to control myself any longer.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N Wow, last chapter got 14 reviews, I think that's the most ever for one of my chapter stories...you guys are awesome. A big thank you from the bottom of my heart, it means a lot to wake up with a bunch of reviews in my e-mail, like it really sets the tone for the day. SHOUT OUTS ****SuperSillyStories****- is it bad that your review made me laugh? But yeah, Esme held her own she wouldn't wanted to have been kicked out of the hospital! ****Logan's Honey Pie****- Hehe yeah, I kinda have that tendency to throw out surprise twists...hey I can't have my readers guessing every next move! I agree, Becky is a hell of a person, but she's the least of our worries right now! ****jamsaddler****- glad that you do, thanks for the review! ****rwjj28****- I know that was some crazy shit right? I'll see what I can do... ****dudeamanda****- aww I hope you weren't crying for real *hug* ****ArianamaslowBTR25****- well I didn't make a double update, but I made one within twenty four hours (I think) so I hope it was fast enough for you! ****paumichyy****- yeah Becky is a total whack job, like just wow...lol. We all wish James well ****FangedCutie****- hehe yeah go Esme! I think we're all rooting for James! ****btrfanfiction1516****- aww don't cry, it's just a story *hug* I'm sorry, but hopefully this update came soon enough for you! ****DeniseDEMD****- Yeah you've got that right, I'm not like a drama queen, but I do enjoy throwing out some good drama lol. Hmm...I like your idea ****annabellex2****- We are all hoping James is going to be okay, maybe it's not all that it seemed! ****CrushedGurlz****- Yeah, Esme was just confused with the depression and all, but her true feelings were realized during the 'emergency'. ****heartofgoldd****- wow, that's a very serious question, I'll take that into consideration! ****KtotheH****- Yeah poor James and Esme both...I just hope James is okay and they're able to make it through and patch things up!**

*****If you're looking for awesome reads, you should totally check out stories from my two favorite authors on here, ****SuperSillyStories**** and ****rrwj28****...you won't be disappointed! If you enjoyed Big Time Movie, SuperSillyStories 's most recent one is like a sequel to that and it is totally kick ass! I personally recommend reading This by rwjj28, it is just phenomenal!**

When Holly wakes up Sunday morning just after dawn, I take care of her, get her back to sleep, then take a shower and wait for my mom to wake up. I'm anxious to go back to the hospital and check on James because they didn't offer us any information when we called last night considering we're not immediate family. I browse all my accounts on my phone to keep me occupied while I drink several cups of coffee and attempt to eat a piece of toast, but my nerves won't allow it, they're keeping my stomach tied in knots.

When mom finally comes down and sees the state I'm in, she wraps her arms around me and rests her chin on top of my head. I hold onto my mother for comfort and listen as she speaks words of wisdom that older people just never to seem to run out of. "Honey, if it's meant to be, it'll be. I believe that James is going to be okay. He might have some troubles for right now, but he'll be back to his old self eventually. I don't think the Lord is cruel enough to let something this tragic happen to someone as good as him."

"But, but what if he doesn't make it?", I ask and the tears I've managed to put a stop to for the last few hours of restless sleep come back.

"Don't think like that, Esme", mom cups my face in her hands. "You have to think positive."

"I know, but I'm just so scared mom. I -I still love him", I tell her honestly.

"I know honey, but it's all in God's hands right now. We can say all the prayers we want and hope, and remain positive." The older woman lets me go and gives me a kind smile. "Quit worrying yourself to death and go get ready to see him."

I nod my head and wipe the tears with the pads of my fingers. "Okay, thanks for everything mom", I give her a quick hug and rush off upstairs to brush my teeth again and get ready.

...

Half an hour later, I exit the elevator and try to think happy thoughts as I make my way to room 305. Just like before, there is no response, so I push the door open only to be met with the sight of an empty bed. A wave of dizziness and nausea wash over me and I find myself backing up until I hit the counter at the nurse's station. "Can I help you?", a friendly voice comes from behind me.

I spin around and try to compose myself. "James D-Diamond, room 305...what happened? Where is he", I ask the blonde nurse dressed in pink scrubs. I watch as she flips through a few pages on her clipboard and a grim look covers her face.

"I don't think I'm supposed to be telling you this", her eyes dart from side to side to make sure no one is listening. The nurse then whispers, "He's been gone since last night."

"G-gone? You're sure?", I choke out as I feel a sense of dread consume my body.

She purses her lips together and nods. "Yeah. I'm so sorry."

Oh God, this can't be happening; James is dead. I somehow make it to the car with my jelly legs and get inside. Not paying any mind to what I'm doing, I start the car and leave the parking lot, and just drive on until I reach our house. Well James's house, but the one I lived in with him a couple months ago when he was still...alive. Numbly, I unlock the door and look around, everything is still in it's place, but the room feels so empty and dark. I climb the stairs and go to the bedroom all the way on the end, pushing the door open to reveal an immaculately clean room. I guess it wasn't hard for James to pick up after himself and keep the house in shape without Holly and I here. I pace across the room to the closet, and open the doors, revealing many shirts hanging and my eyes find my favorite one that James used to wear. I gently pull the black and gray flannel from it's hanger and hold it to my nose, inhaling deeply. The scent smells exactly of James, his cologne still lingers even after having been washed.

More tears well up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. To let them out would mean that James is dead, and I'm not ready to face that fact yet. As long as I don't cry, there's still hope. My cheeks are tight and the muscles hurt from holding in my tears, but I welcome the pain. Next, I take the shirt to the bed with me, where I climb in and curl up into a ball, covering myself with James's essence.

I close my eyes and a slideshow of memories come flood back as if they all had just happened yesterday. Moments of James and I cuddling, and just snuggling, holding eachother in this very bed. Times of us going on dates and having fun, playing jokes on eachother, and just being happy with one another.

After a few minutes, I open my eyes and search the room, where my gaze gets locked on a picture, and a specific memory comes to mind. The picture was taken by our waiter when James took me out for my birthday in Miami. _"Esme, there's a delivery here for you in the lobby. I need you to come sign for it", the secretary Georgia had paged me._

_ "I'll be right there", I told her and hung the phone up. It was my birthday and I was maybe expecting flowers or something from James, but when I got downstairs I was hit with a much bigger surprise. James Diamond himself stood there in the flesh, holding a bouquet of my favorite flowers. I squealed and covered my mouth with my hands, not believing the sight before me. I was totally psyched._

_ "Well are you just gonna stand there for the rest of the day or are you gonna come give your man a kiss?"_

_ I ran into his arms and pressed my mouth against his. He lifted me up and spun me around, then whispered, "Happy Birthday", in my ear when he set me back down. That was back when we would each fly to one another's town for the weekend. We only saw eachother four days out of each month, and we made the most of it. But James couldn't leave me alone for my birthday, and that was the best gift I've ever gotten._

I remember when I found out I was pregnant. _ I had suspected as much, so I bought a home pregnancy test kit and took it when I flew down for the weekend. It was a Saturday morning and James was called in to work, so I figured as soon as he left would be a good time to take it.. After peeing on the stick, two pink lines appeared almost immediately and I was a nervous wreck until he got home. I decided to tell him right away before I chickened out, and I didn't know what to expect, but I don't think I have seen a bigger, brighter smile on James's face since then, except for maybe when Holly was born. He was so excited that he grabbed my hand and he drug me around several stores shopping for baby stuff. He was totally jumping the gun, I had no idea how far along I was at the time, or anything and my mom said it's usually better to wait until after you make it through the first trimester to announce the pregnancy, in case something should go wrong. Not James, he was calling everyone and their mom that night, after filling one of the extra rooms with newly bought toys and baby clothes. _

Another time I'll never forget is when I had my ultrasound. _James went with me and even though I wanted to know the sex of our baby, James didn't. He thought it would be more fun to be surprised, and he asked the ultrasound technician not to let us know the sex. I thought it was a special moment when we saw the heart beating on the monitor, but nothing could beat seeing our child's face on the screen. I teared up, but James actually cried. He was over the moon and it was just a beautiful time for us._

Nothing has, or ever could, in my opinion, top the birth of Holly. _ When she was placed in my arms and James leaned in over my shoulder to get a first glimpse of his daughter, it was just magical. There's no way to describe the feeling, but I've never been more happier than I was in that moment. We had become a family._

With each memory that comes to mind, a new brick from the wall I built around my heart tumbles down to the ground, and finally all of my feelings come back full force for James. The pain is too immense now, and unwillingly, I feel a tear slip from my eye. I can't hold back any longer, and I just scream and sob into the pillow, clutching it tightly to myself, trying to ease the pain from the gaping hole in my chest.

I don't know how long I lay here hating myself for wasting such precious time, and trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll never be able to reconcile with James, or sleep soundly next to him while he snores away; but the sound of the door opening and then closing, and footsteps walking through the foyer snap me back to reality.

My heart starts beating rapidly and with an insane adrenaline rush, I run down the stairs to investigate who ruined my grieving and end up losing my balance. I slide down the last few steps on my butt and come flush with a pair of legs. I drag my gaze up and settle it on the familiar face. "You-you're not dead?!"


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Can I just say that my reviewers are the best, and that I enjoy every single one? Thanks! SHOUT OUTS ****rwjj28****- Let me say that I don't have the heart to kill off any member of BTR lol, I'm a pansy like that! Aww, well I absolutely meant it when I said that you are one of my fav authors...and thank you ****SuperSillyStories****- Yeah the nurse was pretty off, I must say. She may have simply looked at the wrong paper? Regardless, she was definitely wrong lol. ****Logan's Honey Pie****- I guess you'll have to read on to see what happens. ****CrushedGurlz****- Yes, a major plot twist that was huh? ;) I'm glad you enjoy reading this story, and yeah her moment with his shirt was pretty heartwrenching. ****paumichyy****- read on to find out...aww I didn't mean to make you cry *hug* ****DeniseDEMD****- Wow, I like how you worded your review, I dont' know, it made me feel good lol...as for your questions, you have to continue reading to find out! ****ArianamaslowBTR2****- haha I hope this came soon enough for you! ****KtotheH****- yeah, she jumped to conclusions...but read on to find out the answers to your questions ****annabellex2****- yeah the nurse was kinda a bitch, hehe the steps part was kinda funny, no matter how serious something is, someone falling down the stairs is always comical (well it is in my eyes!) ****btrfanfiction1516****- Awww, OMG that is one heck of a reaction to my story! I can imagine how weird it would be to have your mom run in, lol...hope you don't mind me getting a little chuckle out of that ****heartofgoldd****- the nurse made a mistake...read on to find out more**

(CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS CHAPTER)

"No, I'm very much alive as you can see", James tells me with a weird look on his face. I'm literally stunned silent, I mean the nurse said he's gone...and then she said she's sorry. I thought she meant... "Is everything okay?", James takes a good look at my face. "What's wrong?"

"You were in the hospital yesterday...I saw you. I went this morning and they told me you were gone. I-I thought you died", I wipe at the tears on my cheeks, more than relieved to see James Diamond standing here in the flesh, both living and breathing.

"Ohhh", he chuckles a bit. "Yeah I don't know who started the dumb rumor that I fell from a four story building. I actually fell from the top of someone's shed because their cat was scared to get down. My foot slipped and I fell." He shakes his head, his dark brown hair is a little longer than usual and sways back and forth.

It's my turn to breathe out a long, "Ohhhh", then I add, "But you were knocked out. I was there and you were still and not responding." I stand up, feeling silly for still sitting on the bottom step.

"About that", James sighs and rubs at the back of his neck. "I was fine and didn't want to go the hospital but the guys kinda forced me there. Then I kept arguing with the nurses that I didn't wanna be there, because I really wanted to go to the wedding. And well the doctor's thought it would be best if I got an x-ray, although I knew I was alright, so they gave me a sedative to calm me down."

"Wow", I utter, blinking my eyes several times.

"Yeah, so it's kinda weird seeing you here", his eyes roam around the room. "What's up?", he questions.

"Oh, ummm", I chew on my bottom lip for a second. "I was kinda hoping we could talk."

I can't read the expression on James's face and it bothers me, but before he gets a chance to respond, the sound of a car beeping it's horn from close by interrupts. James turns his head and points his finger in the direction of the door. "Logan's out there waiting for me. I have to go, I just stopped by because I forgot my wallet."

"Okay", I reply, trying to hide the disappoint in my voice.

"Maybe some other time?", James raises an eyebrow. "You know today is the fireman's carnival thing and all that stuff, so I'm gonna be pretty busy."

"Yeah", I nod my head and repeat it again. "Yeah", I tuck my hands into the back pockets of my jeans. "Guess I'll see you around", I keep my head down so James can't see my face, grab my keys from the table next to the door, and exit the house, feeling unsure about everything and a little upset.

...

My mom ran to the door looking like she was about to have a heart attack when I got home, but she stopped in her tracks when I said, "He's okay."

"Oh honey that's great! Thank God", is her response as she looks up to the ceiling.

"Yeah", I nod my head. I am extremely relieved that he's alright, but now I'm nervous and unsure if I should have that talk with James. What if he doesn't want me back? I guess I thought that maybe he would have been more happy to see me.

Mom smiles at me. "Hey you know the annual fireman's carnival and all that jazz is going on today. Your father and I were thinking about going. Do you and Holly maybe want to come along?"

"I don't know", I pull a shoulder up to my chin.

"Oh come on, the weather is beautiful. Sixty degrees in February here in Maine! I don't know what's gotten into mother nature lately but I'm sure not complaining. Plus, I'm sure Holly wouldn't mind getting out for a while."

Ahhh, my mom knows just how to guilt trip me. "Sure why not?", I tell her. I can either rot here in the house or enjoy the sunshine on a decent day. I have to admit that the thought of a funnel cake from one of the vendors may have helped to persuade me.

"Yay", my mom claps her hands together and jumps up excitedly. I'm just glad to be able to make her smile instead of worrying her. And as a kid, I loved going every year with my parents, maybe now I can make it a tradition with me and Holly. "Your father is upstairs getting ready, so you probably should get ready as well."

"K mom", I sprint up the stairs and check on Holly. She's awake in her crib, watching the mobile spin 'round and 'round. "Hi pretty girl", I coo as I pick up my now two and a half month old daughter and hold her to my chest to kiss the top of her head. My daughter smiles and her eyes, which are the same shade as her daddy's twinkle with excitement as she kicks her legs. "Somebody's happy to see their mommy huh?" I can feel through her pants that her diaper is squishy so I lay her down for a quick diaper change, then add a pink headband around her already thick mane of dark hair and set her inside her bouncer, where I proceed to carry it into the bathroom and set it on top of the counter.

I give myself a good lookover in the mirror and decide that after washing my face, I could use some light make-up, so I do just that. Once that task is complete, I give my hair a good brushing and change into a fresh set of clothes that are not wrinkled, then pack the diaper bag and put Holly's and my own coat on as well and bounce down the steps. "All ready", I greet my awaiting parents with a smile.

A few hours later, my feet are almost dead from walking the grounds. We must've walked miles today; stopping to play carnival games, which my dad won Holly a stuffed elephant from playing the balloon pop game. Mom knocked the guy at the dunk tank in the water on her first shot, which made us all laugh. I played a few games here and there, but didn't manage to win anything. I'm good with that though, I have to say I'm thoroughly enjoying myself, and all in all it's been a pretty good day.

Right now, we are currently having a late lunch/early dinner at a picnic table near the food stands. I decided to indulge myself with a corn dog, good old fashioned boardwalk fries, and of course that funnel cake that's had my mouth watering for hours. Holly is napping in her stroller, having just finished sucking down a bottle. I need to use the bathroom so I ask my parents to keep an eye on Holly while I go relieve myself.

I stroll through crowds of people and spy the bathroom, do what I gotta do, and come back out. As I'm walking, I notice James standing next to a table, where a brunette is clutching onto his bicep. James's head is bent back, he's laughing at something, and the girl is smiling as if she just won the lottery. Of course she is, her hand is lingering on that ripped arm. A bitter feeling rises up inside of me and I quickly turn my head away and go back to finding my parents.

When I return, Holly is awake, no doubtedly too eager to sleep long with all the ado going on around her. I take her out and carry her for a while my mom pushes the stroller, and we visit a petting zoo where the little yellow ducklings make Holly smile. I snap several pictures, then we visit several booths, picking up different types of candies and treats that we only get one time a year, and at last we sit down to watch a band play. They're a young group, from one of our local high schools, and they're really awesome.

Omce they're finished with their performance and the stage is cleared, an older man comes back out from behind the curtain and announces, "Ladies and gentleman, we are doing something new this year to help raise money for our fire department. This year we have decided to do an auction. Each one of our firefighters will be introduced one by one, then we'll let the bidding begin. Just like you see on t.v., the highest bidder gets a date with the person who is being auctioned off."

The burly man walks across the stage. "Payment is expected within two hours of the bidding, or the date will be forfeited and the patron will be re-auctioned off. Before we begin, does anyone have any questions?" There's a moment of silence with apparently none, so he continues. "Okay, now, can ya'll make some noise for Lincoln County's Volunteer Fire Department?"

This gets the crowd in an uproar, and it takes a minute for everyone to calm down, then the real fun begins. The whole company parades across the stage, smiling and waving at everyone, and then one by one they are given a small basic introduction, then are bidded on. I can't help but to laugh when Logan get sold to a middle aged woman. When she realizes she won the bid, she jumps up and down excitedly and rushes up on the stage to embrace Logan in a hug.

The next person announced is Kyle Hartley. "Kyle Hartley", the auctioneer begins his introduction. "Twenty five years old and single, likes going to rodeos and thinks the way to a woman's heart is -", but the man is quickly cut off by a few screams. I watch in astonishment as Kyle rips his shirt off, exposing a cut body. He's smiling and dancing around, knowing how to get the ladies riled up. It takes a good five minutes with the ladies outbidding eachother, until the highest bid goes to a young girl who offered five hundred dollars. Kyle pulls her up on the stage, then takes her hand and drags her behind the curtain.

"Our next man here is one of the finest in our company, ladies get your purses ready!" There's a cheer, then the man proceeds. "James Diamond, twenty two years of age, currently single. He likes taking romantic walks on the beach, ice skating, and staying in bed for the entire weekend. How much will we start him out with?"

"Ten dollars!"

"Fifteen"

"Seventeen"

"Twenty"

"One hundred!"

"Two hundred"

"Three hundred"

"Four hundred"

"Five hundred dollars!", I yell and throw my arm in the air.

The smug smirk on James's face while he stands there with his arms crossed sends a shock to my core. He looks enticing with a black v-neck and a pair of skinny jeans, combined with a pair of black converse. It's been so long so I've felt that familiar feeling and I'll be damned if I let some other woman win this date with my man. Yeah that's right, he's my man. I may have been a fool, but I've gotten myself straightened out and it's time to make amends. He may not have had the chance to talk earlier, but if I win this date he doesn't have any other choice. I will make him hear what I have to say.

"Six hundred", I see the girl who was fawning all over James earlier call out.

"Seven", I raise an eyebrow at her.

She bites her lip and looks like she's thinking really hard. "One thousand dollars, that's my final offer", she looks over at me with a sneer.

"Two thousand", I one up her and toss her a less than innocent smile.

"Two thousand dollars", the auctioneer repeats. "Anyone wanna go any higher? Two thousand, going once, going twice..." His head turns back and forth as he scans the crowd, then throws his arms out in my direction. "And James Diamond is sold to the lovely blonde. Have fun, he's all yours for the rest of the evening." With that, the man thanks everyone and bids us all a goodnight.

My mom and dad look at me as if I've suddenly grown two heads, and James walks to the edge of the stage, stretching his hand out for me to take."

"I have a savings", I shrug at my parents, explaining the large sum of money I've just gambled away, then give them a hopeful look while pointing at Holly. "Please?", I ask.

My dad shooes me away. "Go get him tiger!", he gives me a wink and a playful push.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N I would just like to say that I really liked writing this chapter and I hope that you guys enjoy reading it! And thank you to you wonderful reviewers for all that you do, this wouldn't be happening without you. SHOUT OUTS ****SuperSillyStories****- ahh I feel your pain about someone lying about James...people can be ignorant *points at Becky* Hehe, anyway I did my best and I hope this is up to your expectations. BTW, thanks for letting me know I forgot some words, I totally checked then fixed it, and forgot to PM you, but I really appreciate you informing me of that! ****Logan's Honey Pie****- Yup, Esme bid on her man and now they have some alone time, I wonder how it goes... ****CrushedGurlz****- I know right? That brunette better back the hell up! Yes James is okay, and let's just hope that their talk goes in Esme's favor! ****jamsaddler****- awesome review :) thanks ****annabellex2****- Yeah I mean can you imagine being told that someone was gone and you assumed they were dead? I'd pick a stronger word than rude lol, but hey I'm glad you liked the auction. ****paumichyy****- I'm glad you got a good laugh! Hopefully the talk goes as well as Esme wants it to! ****DeniseDEMD****- Okay so I royally screwed up by not allowing James to have his shirt off, but Kyle did...I will make that up to you, I promise! Please accept my apology *makes pouty face* lol ****FangedCutie****- Hehe yeah, I hope things are good with you and your James :) Yes it was a lot of money love is priceless so yeah lol...funnel cake?! Ugh I am so dying for some now! ****Guest****- No, I don't believe that I have read 'Letters To Remember' ...aww I'm sorry that it's so sad, but happy that you love it! Thanks! ****btrfanfiction1516****- Awww, why thank you, you are so sweet! Hmm, I don't know how I make them, I just take them one at a time but that's am awesome compliment, thanks again! ****heartofgoldd****- Yay, I'm glad you laughed at the auction part! I hope you like the 'date'!**

I followed James to a building behind the stage where all the winners are gathered, and Mike is collecting the money. James infroms me that there's an ATM set up by the bathrooms, and thankully I have my bank card and license in my back pocket. I've gotten used to not carrying around a purse for a few months now considering I can just slide the few items I need when I go out into the pocket. Within ten minutes I return and pay up, then and Mike chat for a few minutes and James comes over to me.

"So when would you like to have our date?", he asks.

"Umm", I chew my lip nervously. "I'm kinda free now...if you can swing it", I look at him hopefully.

He chuckles, making my heart race. "Sure. So what are we gonna do?"

"Well I guess maybe we can walk around and enjoy the carnival together?", I suggest while raising my eyebrows.

"Sounds good", James moves his hand to the small of my back to guide me away but either rethinks it or didn't plan on keeping it there, because his hand drops and we fall into step side by side. "So, how are you doing?" he looks down at me.

I study his face for a moment, wondering if he's asking that to be polite, or if he really does care how I'm doing. "I'm doing pretty good", I shrug my shoulders. _But I'd be better if you and I could get back together, _I only say this second part in my head. I figure we'll start with small chat and then I'll build my way up to the harder stuff as I ease up. "How are you James?" My question is sincere. "I mean obviously you're alive and well, but what have you been up to?", I try to joke but only end up babbling.

"Well", he takes a deep breath. "Besides working and spending time with our daughter, I'm working on a special project", he wiggles his eyebrows.

"Oooh, what is it?", I ask curiously.

"It's top secret", he teases and I feel myself relax a little more with his playful banter.

"Hey", I give a fake pout and bat my eyelashes dramatically. "Can't you tell me? I'm the mother of your child."

"All I can tell you right now is that it's for Holly. I don't want to go into detail because if it doesn't work out, I don't want to feel like an idiot."

"Fair enough", I retort. "But you're not an idiot, James." I'm the idiot, to throw away a good man like him.

"Yeah", I sense him tensing up a little bit and he shoves his hands into his jean pockets. "So, what made you decide to bid two thousand dollars on me?", he poses the question.

I take a moment to think, and decide that honesty is the best policy, and I won't beat around the bush. "Because I-", but I'm interrupted by a young guy dressed in a skinny jeans and a University of Maine sweatshirt and donning a black backwards baseball cap. He walks up to James and grabs his hand, pulling him in for one of those hug/handshsake things that men do.

"James Diamond, how are you buddy?", he gushes.

"Oh hey Tyler. Dang man, I haven't seen you since college", James responds with a wide smile and I don't know if I should be grateful for the interruption, or be irritated. I kinda stand there twiddling my thumbs while they chat away for a while until James remembers my presence. "Umm, hey I'm sorry to have to do this but I'm kinda on this date thing here", James points his thumb towards me as he talks to his friend. "So I should probably go."

"No problem", the guy nods his head. "Nice talking to ya, look me up in the phone book!"

"Will do", James retorts and then focuses his attention back on me. "So what were we talking about?"

"Umm", I pretend to think, and then lie. "I don't remember, but I'm pretty thirsty. Mind if I go get a drink?" I'm more confused than ever at Mr. Diamond's response to his friend. Is that all I am to his is a 'date thingie'? Wow, way to make me feel like an ass here. Do I even have the right to be mad? Should I try to talk to him like I had planned on since early this morning?

...

I'm probably about ninety percent annoyed and almost ready to go home when James looks at a cotton candy stand and starts laughing. Within the hour we've been walking together, we may have gotten in five minutes of conversation and I'm just done trying. Every time you turn around, someone stops to talk to him, mostly girls, which is really making my claws come out. And my feet are killing me to top it all off. I could be at home cuddling with Holly, making her laugh and smile with her toys.

I look over at James and raise my eyebrows in question to his laughter. "Do you remember when we went to the fair last year and you were pregnant? You were craving something, and couldn't settle on just one thing, so I ended up buying you the largest bag of pink cotton candy, two candied apples, a strawberry banana smoothie, a large bag of popcorn, and a large bag of roasted. As if my hands weren't already full enough, you were pretty much salivating for a funnel cake. You refused to leave until I got you one."

I start laughing and shake my head at the memory, yes indeedy, when I was pregnant I sure did love me some food." "I was hungry", I defend myself. "Do you remember I got mad at you?"

"I do", the smile on his face is wiped off. "But I still don't understand what got you so angry", he says.

I scoff and put my hands on my hips. "Because James, you got the first piece of funnel cake and it was mine!"

One of his eyes gets smaller than the other and he gives me the 'say what' look. "So you mean to tell me that you didn't talk to me for the rest of the day or night because I ate the first piece of your funnel cake? Oh and you made me sleep on the couch that night!"

I can't help but to giggle at how ridiculous this sounds. It is pretty pathetic, but the total truth. "Yeah", I move my gaze to my feet, embarrassed.

James shakes his head back and forth. "Good times", he says nonchalantly as if he doesn't have a care in the world.

I have to admit that we sure did have some god times together, and now I feel like I'm missing out. Some of my anger has ebbed away and I want to move on from the past. "Do you wanna get on some rides?", I suggest, trying to move the conversation to something else.

"No way am I getting on the ferris wheel!", James exclaims and backs up. He claims to have heard a story one time where a ferris wheel got stuck and two kids were stuck there for several hours. James has a fear of heights, but when it comes to his job, he easily pushes that aside to save someone and be a hero. But in times like now...it's not easy to convince him that heights are not so bad.

"Aww please?", I plead. "You wouldn't let me get on last year because I was pregnant, and now I'm not so you kinda owe me", I stick my chin out at James.

"Oh so that's how it is huh?"

"Yeah", I nod my head curtly.

James rubs his chin. "Okay, so I'll get on the ferris wheel with you, but you have go in the scary house with me".

"Nuh-uh, nevermind", I shake my head and start walking away. "I think I should go home."

James catches me by the arm and chuckles. "Come on Es, it'll be fun".

It's not like I don't want to spend time with James anymore, but those scary houses freak me out. I went in a walk through one one time, and freaked out. Like I got so scared that I couldn't move and they had to shut it down and send someone in to come get me. It was pretty embarrassing to be carried out over someone's shoulder. Yeah I know this shit is all for fun and all, but you never know if there's a real psycho hiding in there waiting to kill someone, and no one will ever suspect because people screaming are normal.

James's hazel eyes are so hopeful and when his thumb rubs across the top of my hand, I can't say no. "Ugh okay. But if I die in there, I will come back and haunt you for the rest of your life, James Diamond!"

"Don't be such a baby", he teases. "Come on."

Ten minutes later when the cart comes out of the haunted house, if I was pressed any closer to James I would be inside of him. My throat is sore from screaming and my heart is pounding against my ribs. James has to help me out because my legs are shaking so bad that I can barely move. I can't deny it was fun to be tucked up under his arm with him holding me, but yeah...thank God I went pee before going in there.

"Oh it wasn't that bad", James continues to hold my hand and leads the way to the ferris wheel.

"Yes it was!", my voice is all squeaky and James gives me a side hug kinda thing and offers to buy me some cotton candy to calm me down before we go on the ferris wheel.

This does the trick. I rip a couple pieces of the candy out and even share with James as we stroll to the line for the biggest ride of the carnival. He tenses up a bit, but when it's our turn to enter the ride, he saunters over to the cart and sits down like it's no big deal. Well of course it isn't, we're still on the ground. I get in across from him and smile, and watch his eyes slightly widen when we start moving up. "You okay?", I ask him.

He just nods his head, then lets out a panicky, "Mm-hmm".

"Hey", I start to get up and go over to him to help calm him down but he spazzes out. "N-No!", he throws his hands out in front of him. "Please just sit back down and don't move Esme."

I sit back down on my side. If it was anyone other than James, I would probably have a giggle fit, but I've never seen him like this. "You're taking a big chance by getting on here with me", I comment.

"I would do anything for you, Esme", James's face softens.

Okay this is it, I have to get this out before something else happens and I chicken out. The good thing is that it's close to impossible for us to get interrupted all the way up here. I turn my head to the side, look out into the dark sky and at all the neon and colorful lights lit up, it's a beautiful sight. "James", I have to force the word out of my mouth, then I turn back in his direction. "I'm sorry for everything. I never meant to hurt you."

I wait a moment for the words to soak in, and his face turns serious again. "I miss you, James. I-I was an idiot and even when I realized that I do still love you, I tried to push you away. It's just that you're perfect James, you really are. And you deserve to have someone who is perfect and is better than me. I feel like I failed you somehow, that I let you down."

"Esme", he leans forward and tries to take my hand.

"No, I'm not done", I shake my head. "But the more that time goes by, I feel like I'm missing out on a lot. And I know you still love me, at least I hope you do James. I can't go back and change the past, but I've changed. I am a better person now, and I'll never be perfect. But I can love you with every fiber of my being and if that makes me selfish for not wanting someone else to have you, then I don't care. You, me and Holly...we're a family."

Even though it's dark, I can tell that his eyes are swimming with unshed moisture. "Esme, I've been waiting so long...I just", he hangs his head down and takes a deep breath, then raises his face to mine. "You are perfect, to me. I don't care what you see when you look in a mirror or what bullshit someone tells you, you are all I could ever want Esme. I need you. And you're right; we are a family. And I need you. I want you to come back home."

Tears are trickling from my eyes with his confession, I wasn't so sure if he had given up on me or not. I nod my head and don't care how freaked out I make James, I take the couple of steps over to him and sit on his lap. His arms come around me and mine around him, and our lips meet. "I love you, James."

"I love you too, Esme", he breaks the contact and holds my face in both of his hands. "If you come back, it's gonna be forever. And you're gonna put that ring back on, and we're going to get married. You're going to be my wife and it's going to happen this year, whether we have to elope or have a quickie wedding at the Justice of the Peace."

I curl my hands around James's wrists and look into his eyes, resting my forehead against his. "I'm yours until death do us part."

*****The next chapter will be an epilogue...and ****DeniseDEMD****, I will make sure to have a shirtless James in there just for you!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N Okay, and here we go with the last chapter *sniff* Hehe, it's always hard letting go of a story, I just seem to grow an attachment to my characters. One final thank you to all of you lovely reviewers, you don't know how much each and every single one means to me. I just love to hear thoughts and get feedback on my stories, and it's a major means of support. Also, I hope you have enjoyed this story as much as I have enjoyed writing it! I love you all! SHOUT OUTS ****SuperSillyStories****- Wow, I am so happy that you liked the previous chapter, and your review totally made me laugh, especially the stabbing James part, too bad I didn't think of that! Hehe I tried my best to make it romantic, I'm glad you were satisfied with it! ****Guest****- *fans self* RIGHT?! Just a quick question...are you the one who reviewed the new story I posted last night called AThousand Years? If so thank you so much for your review, AND I'm sorry for your loss *hug* If by chance you didn't leave that review, just ignore this part lol. ****CrushedGurlz****- Yup, they got back together, what can I say...love conquers ALL! Yes, the epi is already here and you sure will find a shirtless James in here! ****KtotheH****- I'm very happy for the couple as well, they belong together! It makes me happy to hear that you loved this :) ****Logan's Honey Pie****- Hahaha, yup they're back together! I see the last chapter got you kinda tripped up lol, what can I say? I like to keep readers guessing! ****FangedCutie****- Awww I'm glad you liked the last chappy...I did my best to make it romantic! ****DeniseDEMD****- Yes, I'd say the two thousand dollars was DAMN well spent! It is sad to see a story end, but it kinda is the way of life..right? As for the shirtless James, you suggested it and I can't let you down! ****heartofgoldd****- Hehe I'm glad you liked it...yes who doesn't love a shirtless James? ****paumichyy****- Yes, finally right? It's been a good run and it makes the end so much more special than my other stories because these two went through A LOT. Hope you like this :) ****rwjj28****- Hehe well thanks *takes a bow* I did my best. I know, it seems like the story flew by kinda fast and I'm a bit sad, but this surely won't be the last story I write! I hope you do this epi is amazing :)**

The radio station playing all the new, popular songs plays in the background while James and I prepare dinner, making it a joint effort. I'm at one counter layering lasagna noodles, my special homemade sauce, and ricotta and mozzarella cheese into two different large pans while James is chopping up lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and onions for the salad; singing to a squealing Holly who's perched up on the counter in her bouncer.

The next day after the carnival, Holly and I moved back in with James, but my mom continues to help out. We worked out a plan that she'll take our daughter home with her for two nights a week so that I can get caught up on rest and get a little break. Also, James's sister Jenna is on standby anytime in case I feel overwhelmed, or there's too much to do; she'll be here in a jiffy to offer her assistance. We're both so grateful things have worked out for the both of us and we were able to talk things through.

So far everything has gone wonderfully, and the moment I stepped foot back into this house, James was on his knees sliding that engagment ring back on my finger. Holly seems to be happy to see her daddy every evening now, and she's really taken to him singing to her, like he's doing right now. She pumps her little fists and kicks her legs with the biggest grin on her face, and lets out a squeal from time to time, it's one of my favorite things to watch. Holly is definitely a daddy's girl, she won't fall asleep when James is home and awake unless she's sleeping on his chest. I don't know if it's his body heat, or his smell, but Holly curls up into him and drifts off within seconds; it's precious.

"Do you think anybody's gonna get mad?", I ask James, feeling somewhat unsure. True to his word on the ferris wheel, Mr. Diamond wants to get married as soon as possible. He has miraculously managed to pull some strings to get a minister and an available slot at the church I attend for next week. Yes, we will be wedded next week and I'm a bit nervous at what everyone will say. It's not much notice, but James doesn't care and neither do I, I just want to do what will make him happy. There are no doubts in my mind that after the misery of the past few months that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. It won't be a big, lavish ceremony that most women always dream of, but it will be special for us. It will be our time to dedicate our lives to eachother. He's even managed to find a tuxedo already on such short notice, and I have looked at several dresses from two different shops; I will be narrowing my choices down and making the final selection this week. I've already made arrangments to have my hair and nails done that Saturday morning of the wedding, so mostly everything is already taken care of. We're still trying to decide if we want to forgo the maid of honor and best man because of time shortage, but we'll make a decision on that soon.

Tonight we have invited my parents, along with Jenna, Carlos, and their two kids to dinner tonight to announce the news.

"No", James says and sets the knife down to come wrap his arms around me from behind and nuzzle my neck. "And so what if they do, this is our choice." True enough, and some people might even say that we've known eachother for just a little over a year and it's not enough time for us to be sure yet, but you can't measure love by time. Only James and I know how deep our love run for eachother runs. It's our lives to live and we will do what suits us. But I still can't help to worry about what our loved ones will think, will they think we're rushing into things?

"I love you", I turn my head back as much as I can for a kiss, then my fiance releases me and goes back to his task of cutting up vegetables after repeating the same words to me. The garlic sticks are in the oven baking, and the two bottles of white wine I bought are chilling in the refrigerator, so I'd say we have things under control.

...

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Holly is laying in James's arms drinking a bottle of formula, while I give my parents a kiss and a hug, and usher them out the door. Jenna, Carlos, and their kids left a little big ago, when the youngest started whining a lot and rubbing his eyes; he's tired. Dinner went exceptionally well, even better than I expected and I feel like I am walking up in the clouds right now. I close the door, then drop down next to James on the couch. "That wasn't so bad", I say.

"Told ya so", he wiggles his eyebrows trying to make laugh, and it's effective. Holly starts jerking her head back and forth, letting go of the nipple on the bottle, signalling that she's done her feeding. James lifts her up over her shoulder and pats her back until two big belches come out. James chuckles and pulls her to his face, rubbing his nose gently against hers. "Daddy's girl is getting so big already" he talks her in a baby-ish voice. She coos and grabs onto a fistful of his hair, and tugs.

"Oh no no no, don't pull daddy's gorgeous hair out", James tells her after she lets go and he lowers her down so she's standing on her toes. She bounces up and down and lets out a loud squeal. "I know, your father has great hair, let's just hope you take after me."

I playfully smack his arm. "Hey!", I reprimand him. "I don't have bad hair!"

"No, but you don't have Diamond hair", he sticks his tongue out at me.

"Daddy's a big meanie huh?", I lean in to joke with Holly.

As if she was cued, she starts to spit up and it's like projectile vomit, ending up getting all over James's shirt. "Ewww, gross", he comments with his nose and face all scrunched up funny.

I can't help but to laugh as I reach my arms out to take my baby from her dad. "I think she agrees with me babe", I stand up and start up the stairs to give her a bath, leaving James to clean him ownself up.

About fifteen minutes later, I descend the stairs with a freshly washed baby dressed in her pajamas. A glance at the clock informs me that it's almost her bedtime, and the yawn that presents itself on her little face confirms that. James is still sitting on the couch, minus his shirt and I can't help the way my eyes travel over the perfectly tanned skin of his chest and abs. A jolt of excitement runs through me and I tear my eyes away to hand Holly back to her father. I go to the little basket and retrieve one of her books, and go back to the couch. I lean into James's bare side and he drapes an arm around my shoulders while our baby girl's back lays against his chest, and I hold the book out in front of her, and begin to read The Three Little Pigs. By the time I finish the book, her hazel eyes are closed and her cheeks puff out with each breath; she's sound asleep. I just marvel at her beauty for a moment, and then look up at James.

"You haven't stopped smiling all night", he remarks.

"Isn't this how it's supposed to be?", I ask him. I've been genuinely happy all week long and it's just not wearing off. I feel like I'm finally living again and life couldn't possibly get better than this.

"This is EXACTLY how it's supposed to be", he retorts and places a kiss on my forehead. I lean up long enough to set the book down on the coffee table and pick up the remote, pressing the power button to turn the t.v. on, and then I settle back into my loving man. This is perfect, laying here cuddled up with my small, but happy family.


End file.
